The BNP Say a Big Fascist Orgy Is the Only Way to Keep Britain White

Readers, this is my column. Dedicated to those thoughts thunk in the small hours as I toss and turn in my bed, and my train of thought derails, obliterating everything in its path.

The BNP used to be big news round here. Now, they're a bit of a political Maxïmo Park. Sure, some sections of the media are still talking about them, but no one's really feeling it any more. There's a sense that their tailspin is inevitable. If it takes a year, three, or five, ultimately, there'll be a point where most stories about them will be reduced to a brief paragraph on page 17 and all the PR blowjobs in the world won't pull them back onto the Radio One C-list. Everyone will simply be too embarrassed to harp on about something so terminally passé. Next-hype types The EDL have had more buzz around them for a while now, and even though their star seems very much on the wane, there's still the vaguest whiff of danger there. The BNP? So 2009. All a bit Gordon Brown, really.

And so, mirroring the steep chart plunge of The National Health, the party nose-dived to new lows in last week's local elections, losing every one of the 99 seats they fought for. They let slip the one remaining county council seat they had in Lancashire, leaving them straggling with only two seats overall. Sadly, they can't just call hiatus and then go on a reunion tour in 2018. However, unlike Maxïmo Park, they still have one last ace up their sleeve. If they can't attract new members by canvassing, they can probably get them by breeding. A call has just gone out on their website to make future-fascist babies. A BNP blogger called Northernscot points out that 51 percent of the US population is now non-white and says that to prevent the same thing happening in Britain, "BNP members and nationalists" need to breed more. “I know, by now you will be giggling over this suggestion," he writes. "But think about it, nationalists need to buck the trend of 1.8 children per white household. We need to aim between 3 and 4 children each, if not more. And the bonus is that making babies is fun! So fellow nationalists, less TV and more fun! Let's do our bit for Britain and our race.” You sense he may need to explain to some of his fellow nationalists that babies cannot be made by ejaculating into a damp sock.

“We must look at ways of building up the white population in Britain,” Northernscot continues. “There are a few ways that this can be done. Firstly immigration of white Europeans, although this causes problems in jobs and housing, in the end if they stay their children will slowly become pro-British, or their children's children will, at least.” Nick Griffin himself has apparently already stated that 'members need to put away their boots and go and meet women'.

Perhaps the BNP's support base have been studying the tactics of the ultra-Zionist Jews of the West Bank. Perfectly aware that there are loads more Palestinians who'd quite like human rights and votes and stuff like that, they've taken the ultra-long view, and decided that being fruitful and multiplying is the one godly command that builds winners. Which is why they now average seven children per couple. In the long run, that is the only way they will reverse the glaringly obvious fact that there are presently loads more Palestinians than them. If you've ruled out hanging chads, the only way to stuff the ballot boxes in a democracy is simply to build more people, and if you're prepared to play that incredibly long long-game, then it's plain as day that demography is destiny.

Nick Griffin greets a female fan outside court in 2010

After all, no one's heard much political agitation for equality out of the Aztecs ever since they died out. If Native Americans were as large a group as US Hispanics, then we'd have heard a lot more out of Mitt Romney about the restitution of all of those torn-up 19th century treaties. On the other hand, white people have historically bred like rats all over the world. They like fucking. They are great at fucking.

The tactic is nothing new. Even now, eight percent of all the men living in the former Mongolian empire are said to be direct descendants of Genghis Khan. The warrior-king certainly liked to put it about – it is said that he sexed several thousand women in his lifetime, the Callum Best of his day. Not only was he a conventional nation-builder: codifying laws, instilling bureaucracy, creating borders, he was also a nation-boner who fucked his country into his own image in perhaps the most lasting way possible. He slaughtered the men and intercoursed the ladies. What he could not subdue with the sword, he felled with the pork sword. It must be a wonderful feeling – in evolutionary terms, if having a kid gives you perhaps the biggest spiritual buzz nature affords, then having several thousand kids must be the evolutionary equivalent of smoking crack with no tolerance build-up. You'd be rushing your nuts off all day, every day; literally and figuratively. Now Griffin and his gang would like to style themselves as the Genghises of shit Yorkshire market towns in a downmarket remake of The Boys from Brazil. The idea of turning up in Skipton to be greeted by lots of plump, piggy-eyed little boys with Fuhrer-straight hair and an air of wounded crankiness is one of the more terrifying things you can do outside of just turning up in Skipton. The idea of Nick Griffin as some sort of fascist stud bull, perpetually making his "O face" as he sits in an armchair having his semen extracted from him by a milking machine, before it is carefully wrapped in Union Jack vials and mail-ordered off to The Babes Of The BNP along with a turkey baster and a rather over-graphic set of instructions, is a disconcerting one. It's also something they will have to gloss over in the school textbooks of the fascist Britain his descendants will have built 200 years from now.

Instead, the books will simply talk about a "renaissance in national pride", an "awakening" that led to "an ardent national desire for more authoritative policies". The BNP has understood the problem in a way that Hampstead liberals have not. Just to get by nowadays, you have to ejaculate your ideology onto the future. Really, Trevor Phillips should be out there right now, lustily going at it with his supporters. After all, even for mild-mannered Trev, is there any better chat-up line than: “The future of the human race depends on it, baby”?

Follow Gavin and Marta on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes / @MartaParszeniew

Illustration by Marta Parszeniew

Previously – We Should Probably Put Ben Elton On Suicide Watch