The Boyfriend Pillow versus cyber mind-reading arm

By SWORDFISH TROMBONER

Bloody scientists. If they’re not growing mice inside our ears, or piloting an experimental rocket full of denim into the sun, they’re trying to outmode the arm – nature's mechanical arm.

To be fair, the cyber mind-reading arm is for people who’ve lost their own. Apparently, all this monkey has to do is think about feeding himself and the arm swings round and plops food into his mouth – just like your arm does when you think about putting that fork load of Greek salad inside you. Which is mind blowing, if only because it means that we can read the minds of monkeys. That's the kind of thing that scientists should put out press releases about because I’ve been walking around thinking that the deepest secret orangutan desires were going unnoticed. I wonder what Bubbles is thinking about now. We should find out.

However, do you ever have that thing when you’re talking to someone, and you’re really getting along, but you can’t stop thinking about punching them in the mouth? Just to see what happens? Does this machine mean that you won’t be able to stop yourself? Will it give you physical Tourette's that leaves you wanking in church, flagging policemen, and punching people in the womb? Basically, this machine is going to weaponise the shell-shocked nightmares of mutilated soldiers. Great.

Still, it’s not quite as spooky as the Boyfriend Pillow.

Who needs a lover when you’ve got the foam arm of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? You can just kick back, relax and watch your favourites The OC and The Golden Girls on your digibox, while this mutant cushion cuddles the hell out of you. Worst comes to the worst, I’m sure you can frig yourself off on it.

What a terrifying arm-dystopia she's about to wake up in.