The Case for Culling the UK's Cats

With fox hunting banned, and MPs voting overwhelmingly to end the badger cull, times are tough for people who enjoy the mass slaughter of small, furry creatures. Are all animals sacred, or is there one species, a species that has evaded attention so far, for which an even stronger case can be made? More vicious than foxes, more disease-ridden than badgers, and with few of the practical benefits of dogs (sheep management) or even ostriches (food), cats have done more harm to Britain’s ecology and economy than any other mammal in human history (that isn’t human).

Cats are the most abundant predator in Britain, outnumbering foxes by nearly 40 to 1, and have been estimated to murder up to 100 million animals each year, including 57 million mammals, 27 million birds and 5 million reptiles and amphibians. A study of one rural village found that “at least 30 percent of the sparrow deaths in the village were due to cats”, highlighting their role as the genocidal maniacs of the animal kingdom.

It’s true that the numbers may not be enough to cause any long-term effect on bird numbers, but that’s hardly the point. An important principle is at stake here. Birds are part of what makes us Britain, and an assault on them is an attack on Britishness itself, a declaration of war on our way of life. Then of course there’s the impact on our struggling farmers. By attacking and stressing livestock, cats – like foxes – wreak havoc on the agricultural industry that drives Britain’s economy. Again, it’s true that nationally neither foxes nor cats have been shown to have any significant effect on livestock numbers, but at a local level the government has stressed the importance of “responding to individual incidents of fox predation” – the Tories' so-called “no chicken left behind” policy. What’s staggering, given the evidence, is that this reporting framework hasn’t been extended to include domestic cats.

Then there are the direct effects on our health. A cat is essentially a walking biological weapon, spreading allergens and pathogens across every surface it touches. Millions of people – many of them innocent children – are allergic to these pests, but even those of us who aren’t are vulnerable to the toxic cocktail of diseases they carry. For all the talk of badgers spreading tuberculosis, it turns out that cats are far bigger culprits – as many as 1 in a 1000 cats may carry the bacteria, posing a significant risk to cattle and humans alike.

The fact is that there’s no argument for culling badgers or foxes that doesn’t apply even more strongly to cats, and that leads to one inescapable conclusion – with thousands of irresponsible owners happy to let these destructive creatures wander the streets unsupervised, we need to eradicate the cat menace, too.

So, how should we go about it? Woolly environmentalist Chris Packham has suggested that keeping cats in at night and giving them collars with bells on could reduce kill rates by half, but this would still leave tens of millions of animals needlessly suffering and dying each year. As even Packham admits, “If there are fewer cats, there is less of an impact on wildlife.” The solution therefore seems clear – we need fewer cats.

Cats, however, are notoriously difficult to control or kill, a problem complicated by the fact that each cat has to be killed nine times. Cats can scale most fences, and can survive falls from very tall buildings. A campaign of poisoning and trapping might work locally, but could cause collateral damage to other small mammals, like pets or toddlers.

One approach might be to overturn draconian animal welfare legislation that presently criminalises many law-abiding citizens who enjoy killing cats. The words of the Countryside Alliance on "recreational" fox hunting are equally applicable here: “The measure of a true democracy is tolerance: tolerance of minorities and, in particular, tolerance of activities that the majority might not support.” Like killing cats.

The Countryside Alliance’s argument is supported by the devastating logical insight of Liberal Democrat MP Sir Nick Harvey, who pointed out that criminalising the killing of foxes (presumably he meant to add "cats", but forgot) would lead to the creation of criminals, causing a significant increase in crime; and that if we didn’t make things illegal, people wouldn’t have to break the law nearly as often.

Crowd-sourcing the problem would also provide desperately needed employment for the upper-class landowners who made their livelihoods on the banned fox hunt circuit, and save hundreds of pack dogs from being destroyed. An important countryside tradition would be preserved, and future generations would have the opportunity to enjoy the sight of rich people on horseback. Many of my neighbours in Maidenhead still miss the sight of the glorious Berkshire Hunts, murdering their way across the countryside.

Riding on horseback in fancy dress is practical in the countryside, but on urban roads horses tend to get bogged down in traffic. In these areas, local councils could revive the post of fox control officer, pre-war council workers who used to roam suburban estates with shotguns, shooting foxes on site. This would be expensive, and filling out streets with armed officers might be unpopular, but it would send an important message to residents that the problem is being taken seriously by local authorities.

Admittedly, experience shows that the effects of these measures may be limited without serious funding and a national cat eradication campaign. Culls have never been reliably shown to work beyond temporary, local reductions, and the recent badger cull in the UK predictably failed to have the impact that hapless planners expected. Unless you aim to contain and eradicate a species entirely, a limited campaign in one area just moves them elsewhere, and populations bounce back fairly quickly to their natural equilibrium.

Ultimately, though, what’s important is that however niche the problem is, and however ineffective the solutions are, something needs to be done. Inexplicably loved by millions, the domesticated cat is little more than a murderous, disease-ridden domesticated rodent. Our island cannot support the sheer numbers of them, and drastic measures are required. If you accept these arguments for foxes and badgers, then there is no logical reason not to apply them to felines, too. For the sake of our environment and our continuing economic prosperity, it is time to start mass-murdering cats.

If you agree and you’d like your MP to review the Animal Welfare Act, please click here to sign my petition.

@mjrobbins

Previously – Cutting Through Even More Bullshit Surrounding Flight MH370