A Guide to Pulling Your Mum
"Mother, you had me," John Lennon opined on his 1970 hit "Mother". "But I never had you." A nation smirked and frigged wildly at their own genitals. A nation wanted to shag their own mothers, but they still didn't know how to say so.
Even the great sexual unbundling of the late 60s failed to roll back the taboo against developing a romantic relationship with one's own progenitor. And indeed, it has only been recently that the struggle for equal rights in this regard has come out into the open.
First off, realise that your feelings are totally normal. Everyone has them. Everyone – male and female – is secretly chomping at the bit with desire in this area. They may not admit so. In fact, when you push them on this point they may become agitated and start hitting you. And they may have you banged up in a loony bin and outcast from society for even saying so. But nonetheless, they still completely agree. Completely.
The simple fact is that modern life, with its steady clock-in/clock-out, MS Excel and Lost Season 4 on DVD trivialities, can never compare with the unbridled joy of floating in amniotic fluid: a recently knitted vessel of mindless purity fed superjuiced nutrients through one's navel.
Secretly, most of us still retain some memory of the foetal state, and secretly, we all yearn to be close to it. That's why becoming romantically entangled with one's mother is the greatest prize we could ever hope for. Who hasn't entertained fantasies of swimming up past the cervix and finding oneself in the lalaland of the womb, much unchanged since the time before those nasty 90-second contractions conspired to expel you? No one. That's who.
Mothers are easy to meet.
Good places to run into your mother:
1. Around the family home
2. At your wedding
3. At dad's funeral
4. Marks & Spencer
Good lines to try:
1. Hello mum. Have you seen Spanking the Monkey?
2. Oops! It looks like I've dropped your pension book. You'll have to bend over and pick it up now.
3. Who stole the stars from the sky and gifted them to me as a genetic inheritance of bright, clear eyes?
4. Mother! We don't use that word to refer to black people anymore.
5. You must be tired 'cos you've been running through my dreams all day, mum.
6. Max Bygraves? He's dead, dear.
Good places to go on a date:
It is important that you show your mother just how rugged and hip-to-the-jive you actually are. She probably still thinks of you as her teeny-tiny baba. Thus, if you are to impress her as a potential life partner, you'll have to up your game. The following make good first dates.
• A lugeing weekend
• The Ultimate Fighting Championship Grand Final
• A live recording of Radio 4's Any Answers
Conversation will probably flow easily, as it is likely you will have a great deal in common. Avoid getting onto the subject of why you dropped out of college. Some wounds never heal for proud mums. And avoid talking too much about past girlfriends – mums get jealous too.
Gifts are always good ways of impressing the mum of your dreams. Their precise nature is often unimportant. Most mothers are sentimental sorts who'll be left blubbing openly at even the simplest gifts. Just remember not to get them the same thing you got them for Mothers' Day/Christmas. While it's true that all mothers enjoy bath salts, when they say they can "never have too many", they are effectively fibbing to save your feelings.
Trivia Alert! List of famous people who were secretly betrothed to their mothers:
1. Genghis Khan
2. Joan of Arc
3. Kenneth Williams
4. Carrie Grant
EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SHAGGING YOUR MUM BUT WERE TOO EMBARRASSED TO ASK
Who was Oedipus?
Oedipus was an Ancient Greek who enjoyed enjoying his mother so much that he went blind. The Greek playwrights used his case study to suggest that you can definitely have Too Much of a Good Thing.
What about Freud?
Good bloke, Freud. Mad, of course.
But will we have a retarded one-eyed baby that we will have to lock in a cupboard until it starves to death?
No. This is a common myth that attaches itself to Oedipal love. In fact, the most common result of you – the fruit of the womb – creating more womb-fruit is that it generally results in the birth of Russian Dolls. But these are easily stacked; they slot inside one another, so cupboard space constraints are no worries. Nonetheless, it is only good manners to use some kind of contraception. You're only shagging your mum – there's no need to behave licentiously.
Won't Dad get jealous?
There may be some teething problems, potentially involving murder, prison and/or suicide, but barring these, in the long run Dad should have no problems with your new-found prowess. In fact, most fathers will be only too delighted that their children have finally found a cheap hobby that keeps them occupied. And with no nagging missus in the picture, he can kill two birds with one stone and thereby have more time to watch repeats of the 1998 Masters PGA on Eurosport 3 while you two romp merrily upstairs.
When is it appropriate to commit a murder-suicide with my Maternal Life Partner (MLP)?
There are many reasons why one might want to commit a murder-suicide: a baying mob of Christian conservatives at the door; the unbearable potential pain of separation occasioned by losing mummy to old age; lack of relevant porn. However, bear in mind that it should only be attempted if the circumstances strongly warrant it. No one should commit a murder-suicide that won't make a decent TV movie.
How to do it...?
Move to a new area. Keep a low profile. This is so that later you can be described as "quiet and unassuming: in news bulletins. Buy a gun. Turn the gun on your MLP. A couple of blasts should suffice – the elderly can be injured by bullets much more easily as their low bone-mass density means they don't have the hard outer casing that young adults do. Now, turn the gun on yourself. You may want to place a driver's licence next to your potential corpse, so that you can be easily identified. If you're feeling particularly fruity, you may want to dowse part of the living room in gasoline, and set it alight, in the hope that it will immolate both your corpses. Remember to pay attention to how you do this though – flammable liquids are inherently dangerous and should only be handled under advisement. Now turn the gun on yourself. Keep shooting until you are unable to keep shooting. Congratulations – a perfect MLP M-S!
Some people find guns too violent. For a more low-key method, consider smothering.
Smothering: the easy way
Simply feed a small amount of sleeping tablets to your soon-to-be-late MLP. Valium works well in mash potato, as the off-white colour provides easy concealment. For gem squash, try Vicodin.
Now, place a pillow over your MLP's head, and hold it there for a matter of minutes.
Now check – is your MLP still breathing?
If yes, then you may have encountered one of three potential problems.
1. Wrong side of head! Turn MLP over, and try again.
2. Not hard enough! Try applying more pressure. Make it so that your thumbs are pressed full-square against the bedspread.
3. Bed too springy. No matter how hard you press down, your MLP merely sinks further into the mattress. Try transferring MLP to floor.
The Battle for the Heart of Istanbul Is Raging On
Death, teargas and political grandstanding in Turkey.
Sao Paulo Is Burning
First-hand reporting, photos and video from two weeks of massive protests in Brazil.
The Greek Government Tried and Failed to Close Their BBC
I hung out in the occupied ERT building with defiant former employees.
A Big Night Out in... Magaluf!
Surveying the chaos in the "Brits abroad" Holy Land.
VICE News: Femen - Sextremism in Paris
Watching the topless feminist activists enrage a baying horde of neo-Nazis.