The Hangover News
A NEWSPAPER CLOSED DOWN
The News of the World is dead and it died as it had lived, in fits of self-aggrandizing and sentimental pique.
18 of the paper's final 68 pages contained weird apologies laced with an understandable bitterness. While the NoW's replacement will surely find room on its staff for some of the old sub-editors, reporters and columnists, for now the best part of 200 people are out of work through no real fault of their own.
Former editor Rebekah Brooks continues to attract the most flak. Whoever put together the final edition's crossword slipped in a few sly digs and staff in Ireland spent their final day in the office comparing her unfavourably to Adolf Hitler.
Even wonky-tongued sop Ed Miliband smelt blood, demanding Brooks leave her position as chief exec at News International even though he'd probably run away screaming if he ever saw her or someone who looked like her coming towards him in the street.
At this stage it seems unlikely that Rupert Murdoch will acquiesce to Miliband's demands, though I guess that might change if News International's takeover bid for BSkyB looks like running into serious trouble.
All of this played out against a backdrop of more lame bullshit, as police investigators were handed memos which suggested that a) more people knew about the phone-hacking than News International were originally willing to admit, b) police were paid for information.
Alongside a 48-page "best of" pull-out, the 168-year-old newspaper celebrated its own demise by letting a smiling man named Dan Wootton award Stephen Gately the number one spot on his "shocking showbiz scoops" list for dying.
There was a glowing live review of Pulp in there too, though Jarvis Cocker wasn't feeling so lovey-dovey.
HYPNOTIST HEAD TEACHER IS DOING IT WRONG
A head teacher conducted hypnotherapy on two of his students and they committed suicide afterwards.
51-year-old George Kenney is the principal at North Port High School in Florida, America.
He's used the hypnotherapy quite a lot during his tenure, to help students chill-out before exams and basketball games and to get his secretaries off fags.
But Kenney might not have his job for much longer because two of the students he hypnotised killed themselves in the spring.
His boss had warned him to stop a few times, but Kenney ignored the orders.
"I'm not saying I used great judgment all the time here," he told an investigator. "I think I used poor judgment several times."
Kenney remains popular in the school community – here's a Facebook group calling for him to be reinstated.
ANIMALS FORCED INTO ROMANTIC SITUATIONS BY HUMANS ENJOY MIXED FORTUNES
The woman, a mother of four, was ordered to have sex with the dog by its owner, a man she met on a bestiality forum.
It was consensual, but she suffered an allergic reaction and now 57-year-old Sean McDonnell is being charged with her death.
The dog has been held in quarantine since the incident, which took place in 2008.
Happier news reaches us from India, where two monkeys were married this weekend.
MAN GETS SON KILLED BY BEING AN IDIOT
Isayah Muller was a 19-year-old kid who'd just graduated from high school and was good at playing American football.
His dad Andre Muller is a man who has been to prison for robbing people and dealing heroin.
Isayah is now dead after his dad picked up a snow shovel and started an argument about a missing bottle of aftershave with a couple of parking attendants in the Bronx.
One of the attendants was holding the machete that killed Isayah, but neither of them have been arrested after a judge ruled that Andre Muller was the aggressor and they were acting in self-defence.
Previously: The Hangover News