The Inner World of Andrea Leadsom Based on Her Blog

There's a nightmare that lays in the pit of all our hearts. The future comes and you're actually doing quite well in life. You get a promotion, maybe even a position of moderate power. Suddenly, people start RT-ing old tweets where you called something "gay" in a derogative way when you were 14. Maybe you shared an Indie Voices article aligned with second-wave feminism. Maybe, maybe you called someone a bitch on Formspring. But hey! You were just a tiny nobody growing up in a pre-woke world where politically correct was just something your granddad said and girls at uni still called Germaine Greer a major inspiration. Andrea Leadsom is currently living this nightmare as hundreds have done before her and millions will in years to come. The dark horse of the Tory leadership candidate race was a relative nobody in the grand scheme of politics. Between 2003 and 2007, she was a councillor on South Oxfordshire District Council. She was then MP for South Northamptonshire, in 2014 Economic Secretary to the Treasury and by May 2015 Minister of State for Energy. Seemingly out of nowhere, Britain fell apart, everyone started resigning, David Cameron stepped down and we were left with a horrible choice of Theresa May, the woman who supports immigration detention centres, despite accusations of "inhumane" treatment of detainees, and Andrea Leadsom.

So the big money question: who is Andrea Leadsom? We know she was a banker. We know she doesn't like gay marriage laws. We know she won't deny having been directly spoken to by God. But if you really want to know someone, look no further than a blog they've been keeping resolutely since 2005. Any second now there'll be a puce intern hastily deleting these one by one but, Andrea, if there's one thing we will all one day learn in this 21st century nightmare, it's that the internet never forgets.

Presumably unedited, a stream of consciousness, a diary on the internet is the perfect way to get to the heart and soul of a woman who wants to run the country. Because 535 blog posts is a lot for anyone with a life to read, we spent the day enjoying them all. Among those travelling logs of tours of distribution centres, meet-and-greets with Tesco workers and middle school charity events in aid of an obscure disease, there was some real insight.

Thankfully meeting Maggie wasn't a case of never-meet-your-idols! Moving forward into post-Brexit Britain, be assured we could have Iron Lady II at the helm.

Now no one believes in great British values like Andrea. But even she knows when the average Brit has areas for improvement. Perhaps we could cast an eye to our Asian friends who are modest above all other notable stereotypical qualities, or get down with those Poles – now, they're not so bad – who come to the country and work harder than us?

It's so frustrating living in this PC world. Why should women be linguistically on the same level as men? What's wrong with wanting British people to speak english? Why on earth must we fluff around being respectful of religious choices? Nothing wrong with any of those things, right?

Oh.

What an evening! Wealth, pomp and engaging in a jolly traditional bit of hunting. It's good to know that your PM will be fighting for the God-given right of every man with a stables, 90 acres and monopoly in the local town to charge out on a weekend morn and tear apart a few foxes. Someone needs to defend this.

And it will be Andrea.

Now there are plenty of people out there who want to adopt. Hoards of heterosexual married couples who can't have children because he can't get it up or she's barren. In this instance, no long-suffering babe should be passed on to a homosexual couple to live in a gay household. If that weren't enough, the gays wanted marriage! Not on Andrea's watch.

Despite the fact that online porn is available and accessed by kids at any age, that it's desensitising young people, failing to help them understand consent and making them believe that porn is real sex, Andrea isn't too keen on sex education being about sex. In Andrea's world, schools wait until sixth form for a single session after assembly where bananas are passed around and condoms are placed on and pleasure is never eluded to. Aggressive censorship never failed before, did it?

If you want to get Andrea Leadsom looking glum, just talk to her about the social, environmental and economic impact of high speed railways.

She's one of those.

If only everyone with a Land Rover helped others out, finally we'd make Britain great. The economy would sort itself, homophobia and hate crime would dissipate, our contributions to global warming would magically reduce and all these awful things dragging the country to the dogs would be a distant, dark memory.

@hannahrosewens

More on the Tory leadership campaign:

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Who Is the Scariest Tory Leadership Candidate?

Judging the Tory Leadership Candidates Based On Their Wiki Portrait Alone