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The internet - Top tips!

By CLARENCE WHIRLY

Don't you wish your parents had given you decent advice instead of the endless vomit of abstinence and diligence they tried to crowbar into your indulgent, idle mind? When I become a parent – which, thanks to me never having listened to my parents' opinions on contraception, really shouldn't be too far away (unless my ignorance of their lectures on the bad physical health caused by booze and fags has left me as infertile as a plastic swing set) – I'm going to give my children awesome advice. Things like, When you next serve pizzas at a children's party, why not write the names of each child in ketchup on their pizza? The kids will love it. Or how about something that could impress the boss if he came round to dinner: If you're hosting a dinner party and don't have a lot of cash, make alternative after-dinner mints. Simply freeze a tube of toothpaste, then cut it open and slice the contents into wafer-thin pieces to produce your very own treats. They look cool and will leave your guests with fresh breath. Genius, eh?

Thank God, then, that this website exists. It's got everything I'll ever need to help my children through life in a frugal, stylish way. And who knows, maybe even this old guy could learn a thing or two :)