Science Says UK Southeners Are Officially Not as Friendly as UK Northerners

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

In the UK, the north is friendlier than the south, according to a new University of Cambridge study, designed to pitch one half of the country against another in a bloody and holy war, across the meridian lay lines of the Lancashire moors, until the warriors of the north—dressed in wolf pelts and flat caps—decimate the south and lay waste to their food pop-ups and their congestion charges, standing atop a burning London bus and, throats full of southern blood, roaring into the air: "PETERRRRR KAYYYYY IS LEGITIMATELY FUNNYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Before we get into a "no, the north IS better than the south" comments shitshow, let's at least take a glimpse at the science, because come on, people worked hard on this. Researchers surveyed more than 400,000 people across the country, then looked at the data (all gathered online, so, like: we're all hard online, aren't we? We all pretend we're better than we are) and analyzed it based on five traits: extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability, and openness.

Top line: they found that people in Scotland were friendliest, with a pretty clear unfriendly-to-friendly spectrum movement from the south to the north of the UK. London and Manchester's residents both exhibited high levels of extroversion, while "agreeableness" was more of a thing in Scotland, the north of England, the south-west, and some parts of eastern England, meaning people are more trusting and kind over there. The least agreeable (i.e. most quarrelsome) people were in London and parts of the east of England. The Welsh are just shy, apparently. Tell Tom Jones that, science. Scream that at his sweet potato head.

Dr. Jason Rentfrow of the university's Department of Psychology said the research was a "bit of fun" (way to harsh on your own research, Rentfrow), adding that the government might want to refer to it before they make any blanket decisions about the country as a whole from their golden thrones in their ivory Westminster palaces. It's either fluff or it's useful for the government, Jason; it can't be both.

"Geographical differences are associated with a range of economic, social, and health outcomes—and hence how important resources are allocated," he said. "Although participants in an online test are self-selecting, the demographic characteristics are representative of the British population, so we can develop an accurate snapshot of the psychology of the nation."

The study also found areas of low "emotional stability" in Wales and throughout the Midlands, as well as discovering a correlation between low emotional stability scores and areas where residents were more likely to be working class and physically unhealthy.

Despite working in London, I come from the north—or a vague approximation of the north, at least, which is basically "beyond Watford"—and I can tell you this: it's just men shouting about cobs and women saying "duck." That's all the north is. It's just like the south, but people say "duck" a lot and they are really proud of how cheap their pints are.

"EY UP, HE'S LIVING IN THAT LONDON," they say, with their iconic northern cheer. "HOW MUCH IS A PINT DOWN THERE? A HUNDRED BASTARD POUND, PROBABLY. AND YOU CAN'T DRIVE ON THE CUNTING ROADS." They are walking around me in a powerful tribal circle now, holding up warm pints of Stones Bitter. "COST ME £2, THAT DID," and they swallow it down in one gulp. "TASTES LIKE THE WORST END OF A BAD PISS, BUT IT WERE TWO QUID. WHAT HAS LONDON EVER DONE?" And then they run away, skidding down the still-cobbled streets on shoes made of lard, and I think, 'Yes, the north is definitely friendlier and better than the south. I wish I still lived here.'

It's not like the south is any better: London, as far as I can tell, is a Mexican wave of a tut that's been rippling since 1997, starting when a businessman in a hurry got caught behind three Spanish tourists standing on the wrong side of an escalator, before snowballing from there. London is just millions of people pretending the Victorian smog ever went away. It didn't. The south makes the mucus in your nose turn the color of dread, and people still think it's OK. Here is a sentence I have heard—more than once and with sincerity—since I moved here: "I am looking forward to the farmer's market this weekend." What kind of life is that to live? You go to a farmer's market and pay £3 [$5] for some fucking broccoli, and then you go home to your $600,000 one-bed flat and you watch the news, and all the news is just "someone got stabbed in the heart", and you eat your broccoli, and you snort the garbage out of your nose, and you go: "This is the fucking dream, this is. I am living the fucking dream."

Anyway, long story short: all of Britain is terrible, but at least the north is friendlier.

Follow Joel on Twitter.