The Ten most Depressing people to spend Christmas with
Well here it is, depressing Christmas. Nobody’s having fun and Alan Carr just shot himself while doing Channel 4's alternative Queen's speech. Still, it could always be worse, you could be spending Chrimbo with any one of this lot.
10. Joanna Newsom
Who’s up for knitting some quirky sweaters? Who’s up for playing a mediocre game of charades? Who’s up for dressing up in a badger costume? That’s right, you’re in for one overrated, out of date Christmas, my friend.
9. The Vicar of Dibley
There she is, being all matronly and splashing lots of wine in her glass and eating a great big fudge cake because it’s just so “wickedly tempting” and there you are, having to pretend that her fucking shtick doesn’t get really boring after about 15 seconds. Oh, you’re a fun food-loving vicar, are you? Oh, Christmas is about presents and stuffed turkey, is it? Listen Dibley, cut the crap and lecture me about Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I had to listen to you gnawing on an old turkey carcass last night and I need some spiritual healing.
8. Michael Owen
You’re a football fan and you get an invite to the Owen house for Christmas. You think to yourself: fantastic, I’m going to hang out with one-time England goal machine Michael Owen. He can’t really play football anymore but I bet he’s got some good stories about Alan Shearer and larking around with the lads. Then you get there and you have to spend the day with a dead-eyed gambling addict who won’t shut up about all the horses he owns and insists on cooking the turkey on a barbecue on the patio under his outdoor heater.
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7. Robbie Williams
Even knowing who he is is depressing. Imagine having to spend the festive season with him, in his cavernous LA mansion peppered with photos of his dick. Maybe he could invite his old lover Geri Halliwell round and all the depression on earth would be sucked into their black hole of seasonal self-hatred, so that while you listened to them cry about the nineties, everyone else on earth would find true happiness.
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6. Jews for Jesus
Well, hey, we don’t celebrate Christmas per se. I mean – it’s not like we’re doing what all the other Christians are doing. We’re not Christians. But neither are we hanging on for Hanukkah like all those square Hebrews. What we’re really doing is celebrating the birthday of a really great guy. This guy is – why beat around the bush – this guy is the Messiah. And while we won’t be eating a big meal, giving presents or any of that kind of thing, we will raise a lovely big glass of squash to our main man Jesus and say: "Good for you big J, good for you."
The most depressing thing about spending this Christmas with a Woolworths would be that you would spend ages trying to find one and then, if you did find one, you wouldn’t be able to shop in it. On top of that, you’d have to listen to it weeping as it told you about all the great and varied things people used to buy in it only one year ago, and how it never really minded when people stole pick ’n’ mix at Christmas time.
4. Bob Geldof
Bob, could you just stop asking me if “they” know it’s Christmas time? I’ve been on the internet recently and it turns out that Christianity is quite a big deal in most of that continent, which means that they cottoned on to the whole “birth of Christ” thing a while ago. Just because it’s hot and you found some kids with flies on their faces doesn’t mean they don’t know about Christmas.
3. People who love sunshine
You know what’s really great? Spending Christmas in Australia. Did you know it’s summertime down there? Unbelievable. It’s a whole other world. I mean, you eat your turkey and then, get this (it’ll blow your mind), you run out on to the beach and you have a bloody great sun-drenched, water-filled life loving surf. I fucking know. It’s insane.
Actually, do you know what’s not really great? DOING THAT. Christmas isn’t about being comfortable, getting a tan and going to the beach. It’s about sitting inside while it refuses to snow but at the same time remains quite brisk. In the New Year you can fuck off to Club Med or wherever it is you like to jet ski, but until then, shut up, go back to Bradford, and remain mildly but not excessively cold for a few days.
2. Marilyn Manson
I met a guy once who actually did spend Christmas with the God of Fuck. When he got there, Marilyn was on his own doing coke and watching horror films. Just imagine him trying to think of ways he could defile the season without getting off the sofa.
1. Your local vicar
If I wanted to spend my Christmas day in a bitterly cold sanctum being told how shallow I was then I would have gone to a meat freezer run by pious vegetarians. Most people only go to church on Christmas day and so vicars and priests up and down the country decide that they will spend that very day berating their audience for not coming more often. Way to enthuse the flock, chaps. Once they’ve done that it’s on to a nice long lecture about the true significance of Christmas (Jesus = born) and the spiritual rottenness of the money-loving, toy-orientated culture we live in. Then they pass around the donation hat and make whimpering noises about needing a bigger altar.
SKETCHY SANTAS: SKETCHYSANTAS.COM