The Triumphant Return Of Hey Ron!
Ron with a stack of rap-video prop money he took off of Thomas's desk without asking.
Last November, our beloved accounts receivable manager Ron Hemphill decided to take a sabbatical from his wildly popular advice column. Ron spent the following 10 months practicing mixed martial arts, authoring a six-volume critique of the Pāli Canon held sacred by Theravada Buddhists, and developing two diametrically opposed flavors of coconut water. But a few weeks back we ran something on the blog that made him drop what he was doing and return to his true calling: Hey Ron!
A few weeks ago I was sent a link to the Mr. Motivator post that appeared on Viceland. I read it. At first I thought he was ripping me off, but then someone told me he’s some kind of fitness celebrity and motivational speaker in England. It wasn’t bad for an older guy and he looks like he takes care of himself, but I do not think the advice that he gives is true or worth reading. After weeks of deep thought, I’ve decided to make a comeback so all the people out there who need real advice can get it from a real person.
I want you to start sending in your questions about life and the problems you face, but before that happens I want to discredit Mr. Motivator and explain why I am the man for the job: First of all, he’s from the UK so I don’t know what kind of good advice he can give. Also, he’s Jamaican. I’m not sure people will quite understand what he’s trying to get across with the combination of those two accents.
Secondly, he’s in his 60s. There might be wisdom with age, but the youth doesn’t care about that. They need someone they can relate to, and that someone is me.
Thirdly, look at the way he dresses. Unless you are a fan of Steve Urkel and Richard Simmons, how can you take this man seriously? As a matter of fact, I thought he might be related to MC Hammer but after further research I do not believe this to be the case. Still, Mr. Motivator is a really good example of what someone who is related to MC Hammer would look like.
On an advice-giving scale of one to ten, I give Mr. Motivator a three. As I said before, he’s an older gentleman who has some wisdom, but age does not equal maturity. I believe his advice needs to be matured more.
For example, one of the questions he received for the column posted on viceland was about a man whose boss could not pronounce his name correctly. I believe he said that his boss might have had a speech impediment. The guy probably has four or five syllables in his name. I’d probably have a hard time pronouncing it, even without a speech impediment. My answer to his question would be “Do you know how to say umemploy-me-me-me-ment? Because that’s what you’re going to be if you try to correct your boss about a petty thing like getting your name wrong.”
I think I’ve proved my point, and I’m happy to be back in action. I apologize that I wasn’t around to help the readers our over the last few months, but sometimes you just need to take a step back, evaluate with what’s going on in your life, and see what’s out there.
If you want good advice, then you should definitely start sending me your problems and pain points. But if you just want to say that you sent Steve Urkel’s dad a question, then maybe Mr. Motivator is more up your alley.
Send your queries to firstname.lastname@example.org, and look out for Hey Ron! every Thursday. Or Friday.