So you've escaped from Sangatte, bribed a lorry driver to stick you in with the frozen shanks of lamb, told the nice men in the blue uniforms the full street addresses of who is going to kill you if they put you back on the plane to Darfur, taken full advantage of the jacuzzi and Reiki rooms at Britain's glorious detention centre hotels, waited five years for someone in Crawley to bother to stamp your form and been granted indefinite leave to remain. And remain you have. Now, all you need is full citizenship and you will be officially living the UK Dream.
Only, now those assholes have changed the citizenship test again. Now, all of that stuff you learnt about the EU and multiculturalism being awesome is useless, because the Tories are back in charge.
Luckily, we have secured an advance copy of the test Theresa May is hoping to introduce so that you can practice it. So that you can British-up without leaving the comfort of your taxpayer-subsidised mansion.
SECTION ONE: HISTORY
What are your impulses when presented with an aerial view of the city of Dresden?
a) Take some pictures.
b) Privately admire the Hanseatic beauty of this noble trading port.
c) Discuss its topography with a companion.
d) Carpet-bombing. Night and day. Two-hundred-thousand tonnes of high incendiaries and explosives. Make it so that it sucks the air out of the place and they asphyxiate in their homes.
You are colonising India when suddenly a mutiny breaks out. Do you:
a) Retreat to base.
b) Negotiate to cede parts of territory to a federation of autonomous self-government under the Crown.
c) Withdraw in exchange for self-determination in areas containing British subjects.
d) Strap natives to cannons and blow their guts out.
Who was the first Briton to have Sky TV?
a) Danny Baker
b) Chris Tarrant
c) Noel Edmonds
d) Trevor Nelson
Which of the following wars did Britain not win single-handedly?
a) The First World War
b) The Second World War
d) The war for lower prices
SECTION TWO: CIVICS
Who is the present Archbishop of Canterbury?
a) Why you asking me?
c) Some old cunt.
d) Fuck off.
What is the maximum amount of housing benefit you are entitled to if you are scamming the system?
a) A holiday in Majorca.
b) A jetski and a titjob.
c) A titjob, a jetski, a holiday to Majorca, a new telly with that 3D.
d) A titjob, a jetski, a holiday to Majorca, a new telly with that 3D and a two-page splash on it all in The Sun when things turn south.
b) Cheeky, cheeky.
c) Get in there, my son.
d) Yeah, go on then.
Who is David Cameron?
a) A fascist pig.
b) A soft as shite closet liberal who's sold his party out to the wets.
c) Of course my family already had a baronetcy back when his ancestors were still serf pig farmers up to their knees in the Lincolnshire dung.
d) Well he's just the same as all the rest, isn't he; Labour, Tory, they're all the same.
Which of the following is not a quote by David Cameron?
a) And that is why I've decided that we will shoot one in ten until the culprit is found.
b) Look, I've listened patiently to your pointless anecdotes all evening. Can we fuck now?
c) Of course not. There's no need to actually exterminate them, just stop them from reproducing.
What is Scotland?
a) It's a sort of a metaphor for otherness.
b) Like Ireland, but more depressing.
c) It's weird, they have Sky but they call it Setanta because of the local language.
d) Like Wales, but they drive on the left.
SECTION THREE: POPULAR CULTURE
Which one of Girls Aloud is a loveable national treasure?
a) The one that was ginger.
b) The one that wasn't the tall blonde one.
c) The one that was the tall blonde one.
d) The one that assaulted the toilet cleaner.
Which of the following is not a quote by William Shakespeare?
a) You can't fit quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter.
b) It's Chico time.
c) I don't smoke da reee-fa-fa-fa-fa.
d) Please place the item in the bagging area.
Which of the following is well known in British comedy for his silly walks?
a) Stephen Hawking
b) Simon Weston
c) Heather Mills
d) David Blunkett
What the hell is Chaucer on about?
a) Something to do with pilgrims?
b) He met a man with seven wives, or something.
c) I think it's German.
d) Did somebody already say pilgrims?
The Turner Prize:
a) Well of course it's not art.
b) My three-year-old niece has brought home better stuff from her daycare. And that's just in her nappies.
c) Taking the piss, innit.
d) Wankers congratulating each other for being wankers.
Who is the worst man in Britain today?
a) Peter Sutcliffe
b) Levi Bellfield
c) Roy Whiting
d) The guy from the BT ads.
What percentage of Wayne Rooney is edible?
a) 0 percent – on account of the toxins he naturally secretes.
b) 9 percent – knuckles, knees, any sorta cartilage, basically.
c) 21 percent – if you boil the bits that don't have a greeny-coppery tinge to them.
d) 23 percent – as above, but leave his shoes on.
How did you get on?
Mostly a) What are you mate, a pussy? Britain wasn't built by people like you, it was forged by True Lionhearts; the kind of people that can down a pint in a second and arrive at a value judgement of someone based solely upon their accent even more quickly than that. Leave and never return, lest this fair nation wilt in the face of your endemic foreign wetness. #SMH.
Mostly b) We may have briefly flirted with the idea of clasping you to our bosom, but let's face it, things were never going to work out between us, were they? Instead, you're destined to remain forever locked in the friend zone, or as we here in Britain like to call it, Dover Immigration Removal Centre. #STBY
Mostly c) So near, yet so far. You didn't quite make the grade, you couldn't quite measure up, there is probably something about you that reminds us too much of our own love affair with the nearly-victory. You are Scott's eyeball spying the Norwegian flag emerge from the blizzard. You are Liam Gallagher's Yank-baffling Burnage drawl. You are Gazza's hopelessly outstretched boot. #FML
Mostly d) You made it. Take this pocket edition of the Magna Carta, this "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster and this weapon dog – believe me, you'll need them. #GSTQ
Follow Gavin Haynes on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes
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Topics: The VICE Citizenship Test, britain, Girls Aloud, Archbishop of Canterbury, housing benefits, David Cameron, scotland, William Shakespeare, Chaucer, The Turner Prize, Wayne Rooney, Peter Sutcliffe, Dresden, India, British Empire