THESE NUTS (HAVE YOU SEEN THEM)

By Alex


Dear Vice,
I thought I'd send this to you because I remember you all having an argument about
who's got the biggest balls or whether big balls were better than little balls or whatever. You probably know what I'm talking about. For the record, whenever someone in middle school would ask me if I'd rather have nuts the size of grapes or watermelons I always went with grapes because a) who gives a shit about balls and b) you would look like a deformed monster who is constantly howling from the shock of hitting his massive balls on things. They shamed me for my decision, but I feel vindicated by this video.
Scrotum,
KEVIN JAMESON

Vice responds: We think you're either talking about this or that DO we can't find where the old modern-primitive guy inflated his scrotum for a protest. Ha, actually he's the first thing that comes up when you google "scrotal inflation."

We used to be with you on that grapes thing, but then we started meeting girls who were really into balls. Not weirdo saline-filled orbs like the maniac in that video's, just regular old sweaty nutdrops that look like a peach pit upholstered with wizard skin. And these girls weren't just interested in them or tickled by them (or on acid) they revered nuts. It was almost like they saw them as a slightly grosser, more genital-y pair of tits. I still don't know how I feel about doing this (cutting the "we" pretense here to level with you) but I actually ball-fucked one of these girls to completion (hers, not mine).

Anyways, it's possible that I've just slept with the only three girls in the world who crave satchel, but I prefer to believe that there is a burgeoning sexual underground of ball-hungry ladies laying just beneath the surface of acceptable sex-stuff and ready to blow up across america with heterosexual testes-oriented porn and strip clubs and balls-only strap-ons and vibrating statues of Atlas and tiny, desk-mounted speedbags. No clue when it started but my theory is that they learned it from the fags.

By Alex 2 years ago

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