We Got Eagulls To Draw You
There's only so much shit you can throw at the internet before it starts hurling some back. George Mitchell's in a band called Eagulls, but we weren't sure the world needed another article about a SKATE BAND with some FREE SONGS, so instead we sent him some of the rude comments you've been leaving on our blog and asked him to draw you. Turns out you all have necks the size of your heads and you like taking your trousers off a lot. Who knew?!We're not gonna tell you who that girl up the top there is either, because she'll sue us and our souls will go to hell. Hope you enjoy the rest, though, and say nice things in the comments.
COMMENTER #1: 'DUDE', THE MAN WHO CAN'T DANCE SO HE FIGHTS
(from "Hey Ron! Stereotypes About Blacks")
George says: "Here's a drawing of someone who listens to metal and is racist."
What this says about you: Oh sure, we all know who this jerk is now, but before he was wandering around parties being racist in his Municipal Waste t-shirt, he was back in the 'burbs saying "Snoochie boochies" a lot and listening to Taproot because 'Bizkit had "fucking sold out". It was pretty 'punk rock' to be 'punk rock' in Berkshire ('The Royal County') in 2002. We'd regularly find ourselves outnumbered at house parties by grebos like 'Dude' and their timid, underage girlfriends, and we'd delight in making them lose their minds with anger because it was just so fucking easy. You could say anything. Once my friend slapped a party balloon at a guy like this's nose and told him Jackass was fake, and the guy started wibbling like an angry jibber jabber, cancelled the party and then broke his wrist trying to punch holes in his living room wall. It's 2011 now and the world's a different place, but vaginas are still vaginas, and using the words 'internet' and 'heavy metal' in the same sentence is still turning and running from them as fast as your freakishly hairy legs will carry you.
COMMENTER #2: 'IDIOT POET BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH', THE ZANY COMEDIAN
(from "Dickheads Wanna Work At Vice")
George says: "Here's the illo for this comment. Pussyole got pissed up and let his true side out... paedoside!"
What this says about you: Hmmm. Kind of think this might say more about George than it does about Benjamin Zephaniah, who this drawing in no way resembles. Not sure what part of the Idiot Poet's post gives off child screwing vibes either. Can paedophiles not hold their drink? I actually laughed pretty hard at this Vice reader's way with a non sequitur, so I'm saddened by the portrait Mitchell has given him; in which the eyes are led to the customary paedo 'dick nose' by the sightlines of a face that is as weirdly symmetrical as the wings of a pervert butterfly. No: this one's not quite right. Sorry, George. You didn't 'nail it'.
COMMENTER #3: 'DBOY', THE VENOMOUS TRY HARD
(from "Wanna Work For Us?")
George says: "Here's VICE's BIGGEST FAN........."
What this says about you: Now this is more like it. Everything about this specimen of dboy is perfect – note its snide face, its ironic gay-baiting, its beyond steezy Abba tux and its half-hair. Mitchell has captured perfectly the gait of a man who spends half his life cock-blocking and the other half trolling. This guy manages to corner us every other week at parties, where he spends the whole night telling us what wankers we are before emailing at 11.53am on Monday morning asking for an internship. We fend off dboys with our shittiest sticks, and George's illustration skills mean that stick just got shittier, for which we give great thanks.
COMMENTER #4: 'BESTIE', THE MATE
(from "Getting Myself McFired)
George says: "Here's a one-legged prick."
What does this say about you: "Leg end" is one of the many phrases mother nature helpfully provides to let real people know there's a prick in the room. Also in this prick's argot are the words "zany", "uber" and "in West Philadelphia, born and raised".
Fuck it. Here's a free song. Eagulls new single "Council Flat Blues" is out now through Not Even.
EAGULLS - "PULLIN' MY LEG"
WORDS: YOU & KEV KHARAS
ILLUSTRATIONS: GEORGE MITCHELL FROM EAGULLS