We Spoke to the Author of the Kirk Cameron 'Crocoduck' Erotica E-Book

In May 2007, Bill O'Reilly welcomed former Growing Pains actor Kirk Cameron as a guest on his Fox News talk show to convince viewers that God's existence is a scientific fact. "Darwin said in order to prove evolution—which is the number-one alternative to God—you've got to be able to prove transitional forms, one animal transitioning into another," argued Cameron, producing a rendering made by a graphic artist. "And all through the fossil record and life, we don't find one of these: a crocoduck." This past September, however, Science magazine reported that newly found fossils of the first swimming dinosaur had been discovered. It is named Spinosaurus and is a direct answer to Cameron's mythical "crocoduck."

Inspired by the whole silly ordeal, a 7,500-word erotic e-book and paperback calledKirk Cameron and the Crocoduck of Choas Magick was self-published earlier this month. The news of the novella was immediately picked up by sites like Huffington Post, AV Club, and Jezebel, where author Mandy De Sandra's words were described as "so incredibly vivid that I can almost hear the crocoduck squealing with pleasure." De Sandra was invited to appear on podcasts and radio programs. But first the author had a confession: De Sandra doesn't exist.

The scribe of Kirk Cameron and the Crocoduck of Chaos Magick is actually Christoph Paul, a 31-year-old man earning his master's degree in psychology at a New Hampshire college. Using his given name, Paul has published five previous books in the bizarro fiction genre, including Demons in the TV and Great White House (where a shark tsunami attacks Capitol Hill). As he drove from New Hampshire to Virginia to participate in Scares That Care Weekend, a horror convention/benefit, I gave Paul a call to talk about his breakout book and how he came to write an e-book about a creationist, a crocoduck, and stigmata hand sex.

VICE: How would you describe Kirk Cameron and the Crocoduck of Chaos Magick to someone who has never read it?
Christoph Paul: It involves Kirk Cameron trying to revive his career by starting Pray Away the Gay camp. And we have J. J., a young gay man who practices chaos magick. He puts a spell on Kirk Cameron to have him sleep with a crocoduck and Jesus, and he gets caught by the police and is actually sent to the Pray Away the Gay camp. But he finishes the spell at the camp and then Kirk Cameron meets the crocoduck, Jesus, and [ Growing Pains character] Boner Stabone.

What was the catalyst for writing the book?
I'm always into weird anything. I noticed there were these two women [Christie Sims and Alara Branwen]—I was lucky enough to interview them for my website—and they were writing dino-erotica. I heard they're two students from Texas A&M, and they're basically putting themselves through school writing these dinosaur-erotica things. I read Taken by the T-Rex, and I was like, This is so bad, it's genius . I remember even writing a fake review saying that this is actually an allegory for our relationship with Saudi Arabia and oil. I thought it'd be fun to write something like these dino erotica/monster erotica, but to do it in a bizarro way.

How do you define bizarro fiction?
I think bizarro fiction is just taking a genre and just fucking with it. My friend Raye, a big bizarro fan, put a thing on her [Facebook] wall with Kirk Cameron and a crocoduck. And I just thought, Holy shit! Has anybody done an erotica with Kirk Cameron hooking up with a crocoduck? I think that's the beauty of bizarro: You take the most ludicrous idea, and approach it as seriously as possible.

So you didn't necessarily want to write gay erotica—you just saw an opportunity to lampoon Kirk Cameron's homophobia?
Yeah. I think also I've always wanted to kind of bring South Park to books in one way or another, so that [story] appealed to me. It had a satire. There's a writer Chuck Tingle—he's really funny and he writes these like ridiculous gay erotica books, like My Ass Is Haunted by the Gay Unicorn Colonel .

Where did the name Mandy De Sandra come from?
I loved Marquis de Sade, and I just thought, Man, Mandy, and I wanted something like "de Sade" so I'm like, De Sandra!

Do you care that people might assume that Mandy De Sandra is gay?
They can say that, that's fine. I mean, ethically, I want to just say that I actually got a really good response from the gay community. I am not gay, but I want to just say you have a straight ally. I used to work at a porn store—I have no problem with gay porn; I actually think it's better. Compared to a lot of straight porn, I think it has more quality. And I talked to Bryan Keene, a horror writer, about this over the weekend. He's a big mentor to the bizarro community. I'm like, "What do I do here?" I want to keep writing as this, but I'm supposed to get interviewed on podcasts and radio—I don't want to use a female voice. And he's just like, "You've gotta come out about this. Especially if you're getting certain communities behind you. You don't want to pretend to be something." Someone did call me the Rachel Dolezal of bizarro erotica, which I thought was awesome.

Why do you think this book has taken off more than your previous ones?
Even if it's not as well-written, I actually think it's a really great horror story. I don't see myself as good as Carlton Mellick or Cameron Pierce—Pierce wrote Ass Goblins of Auschwitz and Mellick wrote The Haunted Vagina, and there's Jeff Burk with Shatnerquake. It just has the idea of, "What the fuck is this? I have to see this." The Kirk Cameron aspect, that's a big part of it.

Have you gotten any blowback from the religious right?
A few [comments] on Twitter, but nothing big. The religious right's pretty quiet right now. I think they blew their wad after the gay marriage announcement. I think the religious right is going through the five stages of grief right now. They're mindset is an anachronism.

I know there's a lot of people on the right who love Kirk Cameron. Huffington tried to contact him and he had no response. I really doubt if Kirk's going to even do anything; I don't see that happening. As Mandy, I would debate him [ laughs] on evolution. I would like give the [book] proceeds to charity if he won.

Why have Jesus made out of cheese?
It kind of just happened. [Cameron] went to the craft table, and I'm just like, Why not? And then [I had] the idea of stigmata cheese sex and just was like, Let's do it.

Why was it important to you for Cameron to have sex with the hole in Jesus's hand?
Honestly, if I'm Christoph Paul, I don't know if I would have done that. But Mandy De Sandra is just like, "I don't give a fuck, motherfucker." She just has this energy, writing as her. I forget how actually transgressive and fucked-up this book is.

I mean, I have to admit the term "stigmata hand sex" does make me laugh. [Also, the act is] actually Satan's dirty work. That is something I would imagine Satan would [do]: pretend to be cheese as Jesus, and have somebody fuck the stigmata.

Your Satan might have more of a sense of humor than other incarnations we've seen in pop culture.
Yeah, he tricks Kirk Cameron in the end. And what's funny is it actually was a very Christian story unintentionally. [Cameron] sinned, and he ended up in hell. And hell's not in a good place.

Do you believe in that stuff though?
No, I'm an agnostic. I have an Italian Catholic father and a Jewish mother who converted to Catholicism. I went to CCD school, so I think there's always that like ten-year-old in me who like wants to piss off CCD class. I hope to grow out of that one day as a writer, but I'm just not mature enough yet. Maybe one day I'll not have to use stigmata hand sex as a crutch.

Anything you'd like to say to the real Kirk Cameron?
I think it's sad, honestly. I loved Growing Pains as a kid. Boner and Mike Seaver were like my heroes. I have no problem with religious people. I understand—we all need meaning in one way or the other. I think that Christianity has a lot of beautiful things. [But] when you try to disprove science and get crazy about gay people, you're not doing it right. I tried to be empathetic toward him in a way in the story. I wouldn't apologize, but I'd sit down and talk to him about God if he really wanted to.

Kirk Cameron and the Crocoduck of Choas Magick is available from Amazon.

Follow Jenna Marotta on Twitter.