We Went to the Porn Awards

Last Thursday night was the SHAFTAs, an awards ceremony for the adult entertainment industry where penis-shaped trophies are handed out in categories like "MILF of the year" and "best anal scene." As you can see from the photo above, the experience was spellbinding.

Some of you may have seen a list I put up a few hours beforehand of things I expected to see there. The idea was that I'd treat the evening like an X-rated scavenger hunt. I didn't manage to find everything on my list, but here's the stuff that I did hunt down:

Item #1: The penis of an ex-Big Brother contestant (for the third year running).

Apparently the organisers were cracking down on penis-showing this year, announcing that they'd throw out anyone who did it. In protest, this guy got up on stage and whipped it out anyway, saying something along the lines of "I DON'T GIVE A SHIIIIIT!" It was the only penis I saw. I'm not sure if he's an ex-Big Brother contestant or not, but he's definitely dressed like one (though at least he didn't rob me).

Item #2: Awkward, staged, careerist faux-lesbianism.

I'm not one of those fancy schmancy body language experts like you see on TV, so there's a chance I'm wrong, but something just feels a little off about the way these two are kissing. Is that just me being cynical? It doesn't seem like they're really in love.

Item #5: Someone who has, at some point, slept with Jordan/Katie Price.

Danny Dyer was there. That's him, throwing out "banter" so epic that my camera lens fogged up. He must have slept with Jordan at some point, right?

Item #6: Somebody dressed up like "an old East End gangster."

Yep, tons of 'em. Here's a picture of one dancing with a lady named Megan Coxxx. Whose name, presumably, serves as a daily reminder of the dramatically different paths that her and Megan Fox have taken in their lives.

Item #8: Ten porn industry "superfans," taking pictures on their phones outside.

Pretty psyched I managed to catch that vampire in the white hoodie midway through his transformation into a bat. There was also this guy, but the sensation of mild arousal I felt when I looked at his sandals (and then saw the U-rated DVD in his Fopp bag) shamed me out of including him.

That's everything I managed to find. That's five out of a possible 15. I guess the porn industry is less predictable than I thought. Here are the things I failed to find, along with what I found in their place:

Item #11: A girl who thinks that she is subverting society's traditional idea of beauty because she has black hair, no tan, and a tattoo of a boat.

I missed the mark on this one pretty hard. That girl on the right is what an alt-porn actress looks like in 2012. I have no idea what she's doing or who would look at porn of that, but she looks like she's from that musical where everyone is on rollerblades that I can't remember the name of, and I think I like it.

I don't know what those paw-prints are supposed to signify (that she's been letting animals crawl all over her, and that that's sexy?), but from the look on his face, I think she might be the weirdest thing Danny Dyer's ever seen in his entire life.

Item #4: Someone crying.

This girl seemed pretty bummed out every time I looked over. Didn't see any tears though. I think if I'd stuck around for another couple of hours I might :(

This guy looks like he might be about to tip over the edge too. Cheer up, Grumpy Gus! Maybe he's just playing hard to get.

Item #3: The kind of toilet line that only comes about when the stalls are being used for masturbation.

No lines. I did see Lethal Bizzle in the toilets, though. That's him shouting "DENCH!" in a dench hat and dench shirt. Seriously Biz, quit trying to make "dench" happen.

Item #9: Somebody from either The Only Way is Essex or Made in Chelsea, who I will drunkenly ask if they've ever seen Dalston Superstars.

I didn't notice anyone from either of those shows, but that's not to say they weren't there. There is literally no environment on Earth that these people could be more camouflaged in. Look at it, any of those people could be from TOWIE or MIC—it's like that Where's Waldo? where he's lost at a Waldo convention.

Item #10: A sweat patch bigger than my face.

Amazingly, I didn't see a single sweat patch the entire evening. Not even one smaller than my face. I remember once reading something somewhere about models having their sweat glands lasered out to prevent that from happening, though. Maybe that made it over to the porn community, too? IDK. But anyway, this art was fucking horrible and I couldn't think where else to put it.

Speaking of art, they also had this hyper-realistic wooden carving of a porn star on display. Pretty good, but the eyes give it away.

Item #12: A fake entourage.

Incredibly, there were no fake entourages to be seen. I guess the guestlist was just too tight. But at one point, they took a break from sending strippers out onto the stage, and sent out these traditional Thai/Indonesian/Hawaiian dancers instead. They seemed very shocked by what was going on around them.

Item #13: Bez.

Item #14: Tim Westwood.

Somehow Bez and Westwood managed to keep themselves away this year. But this guy, who claimed to be a member of East 17, was in attendance. He didn't seem very happy to be there, but he did make a really funny joke about wanting to punch me at one point.

Also, G'ulthar, a rape demon I've been having recurring nightmares about, took on human form to enter the physical realm for the evening and present an award. Lookin' good, G'ulthar! (Seriously, can you believe this guy still gets work as a porn actor?)

Item #15: The overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her that I love her.

Nope. But I did just email this picture to my dad and say: "Thank you for not being this asshole."

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT

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