Boyle's Brains

What’s Happening with Nicolas Cage’s Face

By Megan Boyle

Speculation and rumour has plagued Nicolas Cage's face for the last 150 years that he's been on this earth. Because he seems like a great guy and is probably getting sick and tired of all the falsified information surrounding his face, I decided to clear a few things up.

When these downward, tusk-like lines define Nicolas Cage’s cheeks and mouth, it means he’s ready to strike. Many victims mistake his expensive suit, concerned eyebrows and unlikely passenger-side-window approach for the attributes of an honest lost celebrity – some tragically go out of their way to help him with “directions to the Regal Union Square 14 Cinema”.

Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment, where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they’ve fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter. His guest is then swallowed whole. If this man ever confronts you, gauge the space between his eyes. If it’s smaller than the length of one eyeball, it’s too late. If it’s larger, you can still escape if you quickly demobilise him by “smothering” the between-eyes area, ideally with something other than your hands.

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Every time Nicolas Cage stands under fluorescent lighting at the same time Meryl Streep sits within 18 inches of a black circle, they find it equally impossible to stop thinking about how many sticks of butter it would take to fill a Jacuzzi and acquaintances who might know where Mel Gibson lives. Would it make sense for Mel Gibson to have a Jacuzzi? Is he that kind of person? What kind of person is he? Where can butter be bought in bulk? Would this be dangerous? Could someone clean it afterwards? Shouldn’t there be some kind of website that just tells you if something you want will ever be possible?

This photo of a sleeping Nicolas Cage was taken during one of his many tantric standing rests – a spiritually awakening discipline he began practicing in 1997. His body no longer defaults to its silent agreement with his mind’s definition of “relaxation”. His eyes are so far closed they appear open. In this photo, the white top-halves of his eyeballs are visible, which means this sleep session was likely one of his deepest, most rejuvenating experiences.

No matter where he is, every time a tropical storm occurs, Nicolas Cage struggles to hold onto the front of his face. If he travels below the equator, the electromagnetic force holding his cells together actually starts disintegrating at the back of his head. This photo was taken mere minutes before Tropical Storm Floyd escalated into Hurricane Floyd. Since this was a Category 5 hurricane, Nicolas Cage must’ve been depleting his strength reserves to clench the muscles of his face, contrary to its bemused expression. His dominant muscles – top lip, eyebrows, nostrils – flock to the bridge of his nose. The corners of his eyes and mouth recede helplessly into surrounding skin. A weight behind his neck pulls his chin into it. One ear is already gone.

A team of meteorologists and physicists concluded Nicolas Cage’s condition is caused by two magnetic poles: one located on the tip of his nose, the other an equal distance behind it. His nose pole serves as a “safe house” where his features can gather when storms provoke the pole at the back of his head into swallowing itself. Little is known about why these poles react adversely to storms and equatorial orientation. Some religious extremists speculate Nicolas Cage’s head is a hollow vessel that angels will occupy on Judgment Day and use to deliver the righteous to the Lord.

Sometimes at parties, two or more people ask Nicolas Cage questions at once. He momentarily loses track of time due to a tiny area of his brain located under his enlarged temple vein that controls a coping mechanism designed to make him believe he has materialised a horse. When he asks the horse for help, it can only say “that’s fabulous” or act distracted by its “fabulous” surroundings.

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In 1986, thinking he was about to make out with co-star Kathleen Turner, Nicolas Cage became the first person to ever check his email without a computer. With an exaggerated chomping motion, he released a puff of intelligent gas that had generated in the space where his tonsils used to be. The gas – which was actually a version of Nicolas Cage that had evolved over billions of years and now occupied another dimension – perceived time differently and could read every email that would ever exist. Somehow, it became trapped in Nicolas Cage. It wanted him to look in a certain direction, think the word “send” and open his mouth so it could go home.

The gas tried to communicate this in many ways before learning to successfully manipulate Nicolas Cage’s body. It expected to be sent home when it launched itself from the throat, but it landed inside Kathleen Turner. Instead of making Nicolas Cage think “send”, it had given him a mental repository of every email he would ever send or read. Nicolas Cage thinks this is how everyone emails.

Follow Megan on Twitter: @meganboyle

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