What's Your Emergency Today?

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The world would be an emptier place without the state of Florida. America's penis is home to everything from face-eating bath salt zombies to women who molest manatees, through Hulk Hogan's sex tape and mothers who try to sell their children for drug money. I'd imagine around 85 percent of those "weird news" stories come out of Fred Durst's home state, and while some of them are kind of depressing, most are very funny. So thanks, Florida.

This week, in typically Florida news, a 34-year-old man was charged with misusing the 911 system after calling police and telling them to bring him Kool-Aid, burgers and weed. When cops picked him up for the offence, he started gnawing at the cage in the cruiser. That might sound a little odd, but the guy was obviously going through a minor emergency and figured he'd call emergency services to help him out – a totally reasonable thought process.

That got me wondering about the kind of emergencies other people experience on a day-to-day basis, so I went to ask some people to find out. London, what's your emergency today?

Brenda, 49, charity worker: I could really use a glass of champagne and an oyster.

VICE: Oh yeah, that sounds like a pretty serious crisis.
I just need something to get me through the afternoon, you know?

Are you having a particularly tough Friday?
No, I’d just really like some champagne. It’s sunny out and I only have an hour to enjoy, so I want champagne and an oyster.

Fair enough. When are you gonna call the cops to help you out?
I’m considering it now.

Mark, 50, courier: I could use a cold beer. It might be a little early for it, but that would be nice right now, wouldn’t it?

If you were to call the Met and ask for a cold beer, what would their reaction be?
They probably wouldn’t like it very much.

Have you ever felt the urge to dial the authorities because you were in desperate need of Kool-Aid, burgers or weed?
Um, no, I can’t say that I have, I'm afraid.

What do you think they’re reaction would be?
They probably wouldn’t like it too much. Also, I'd be happy getting my own beer, as long as it's cold. The colder, the better.

James, 24, web developer: I need a tattooed Asian girl in a bikini to come to my office.

Okay.
I just something to look at, you know?

Do you think the Met could hook you up with that?
You know, from what I’ve read, if I called them up I bet I’d get referred to someone’s supervisor before they did anything. I don't want to have to deal with any bureaucracy .

Good point.

Martin, 42, company director: I just want a window.

Huh?
We work underground, so we don’t get out much.

I see.
Yeah, we might just have to sit here all day otherwise. We really need a window.

:(

Laurie, 24, works for a travel agency: A guy.

Excuse me?
A guy. I want a guy.

Any criteria?
No.

So literally any guy will do?
He should be rich and come from a good family.

So a sugar daddy? That's kind of shallow.
I was joking.

Oh, OK. I feel awkward now.
It’s alright. But seriously, he should be cute, funny and nice. If you know someone like that, send them my way.

Okay, will do, Laurie!

Previously - What's the Worst Name You Could Give a Child?