So, I’m sitting in my friend’s West London living room, well into the bottle of £7 pinot grigio I dug out of her fridge, and already through with the couple of lines I found forgotten in my bag from an unnecessarily late night two weeks ago, and I’m supposed to write about why some people enjoy shoving a stick of meat up their poomaker. The truth is, I have no fucking idea.
Sure, once you’ve been on your first, or second, or third long-term relationship and have sweated over all those extravagant positions that are supposed to be delightful, over and over again, only to go back to settling for the same old missionary/girl-on-top/frombe routine, and he is whispering soft-spoken gibberish about how much he loves your bum in your ear… sure, in those circumstances, it sounds like the hottest thing in the world.
And you begin to consider it. You start by introducing it to whatever you think about when you're horny and alone. And inevitably, whether those fantasies are more vanilla than the sex very boring animals have or involve rocket launchers aimed directly at your ass, the mere thought of anal is enough to make you cum like you're about to die.
The next thing you’ll do is check out some porn, and then you'll ask a sluttier/gay friend who'll swear by it, and then you're sold: yes, anal really is NBD, just another frontier you need to overcome with your partner on the long road to “becoming one”. There’s nothing better, your friends will say, than letting someone close to that part of your body only the bottom of your toilet bowl has seen.
But I beg to differ. Here’s why:
IT FEELS LIKE SHITTING BACKWARDS
Taking a long, hard-earned dump feels great, there’s no question about it. Now, take this wonderfully cathartic feeling, multiply it by a million and then turn it into a negative by attaching a big, bold minus sign (–) to the front of it.
No one's ass is a Tardis. Your anal cavity is a finite space and you're introducing more matter into it. Capacity at the butt party will very soon be reached and, tired of being knocked on constantly, your backdoor will break. Almost irreparably. Which brings me to point number two (hahaha).
YOUR BACKDOOR WILL STAY BROKEN FOR A WHILE
Where I come from, there is an old saying that is kinda equivalent to the British one about watching paint dry which goes like this: "[Doing something insignificant/pointless/boring] is like waiting the nine days it takes an arse to recover."
And, you know, a quick internet search just confirmed that this is exactly how long a butthole needs to rediscover its previous state of firmness and that, therefore, this is exactly how long you need to wait between any anal get-together. Nine days.
Giving you this valuable piece of advice on how to have anal sex probably runs at cross-purposes to an article that is trying to dissuade you from doing just that, but my point is: The human body has a number of clearly defined entrances and exits. I know that's the kind of thing that squares and homophobes say, but I don’t see why that should be messed around with.
Still not convinced? Here’s what your door being broken actually means:
YOU SHIT CUM
And don’t for one second think this will be in the privacy of your bathroom or office toilet stall or Porta Potty. It can happen at any moment at any given time and long after the act. I’ve actually witnessed my friend’s face change five different shades of green after she realised her ass had begun to leak while she was dancing on the couch of an Ibizan club during happy hour. In her bikini. (I know.) At first, we thought it was all the coke she’d been taking, but turns out it was her boyfriend’s penis that was to blame.
As for those of you who are planning on using a condom or some funky sex object, you’ll still feel like you constantly need to crap. Which, especially if you are one of those mutant bulimic types, might sound pretty cool. But here’s the catch: You won’t. You are looking at about 25 ultimately unsuccessful visits to the bathroom per day, the only outcome of which will be the newfound sensation of your asshole contracting. Which is pretty bleak.
THE PERVERSE POWER GAME
My other friend, whom we’ll call Marlene, and who, incidentally, was my sluttier advisor back in the days of naiveté and who got married at the age of 21, had this gem to share: “I absolutely love it but I don’t give it to them whenever I feel like it. You are a woman and sex needs to be on your terms. You have to make them beg for it, bring them to the verge of crying for it and then, only give it up when you have something really important to ask for in return. Like a yacht holiday.”
If you don’t see why this is fucked up, you’re worthy of all the shit that’s about to hit the fan blowing in your direction.
THE LACK OF SPONTANEITY
In order to take the leap, you first have to run the whole situation through in your mind again, and again, and again. And even with all this analysing, I’m sorry to break it to you, but it will be nothing like what you’ve fantasised. With anal, there’s no such thing as parts sliding easily into other parts that have been designed by thousands of years of evolution/God (and I know how much all you guys love sticking things in each other's asses) to make the process easier by lubricating themselves automatically. There’s no being grabbed and pushed on the bed, no sense of impulse, no passion.
All there is intensive planning and foreplay made mechanical by the half-hearted boners and dried-up moisture that the prospect of imminent pain creates. (Oh, pardon me, did I forget to mention that? IT’S GONNA HURT. A LOT.) And don’t get me started on the huge quantities of slippery substances, artificial or organic, that will prove a motherfucker to clean off your body, your hair, your bed sheets or your spacecraft.
To put it simply, no matter how good the intentions of both parties, it’s just not worth the fuss. Just think of it as a never-ending struggling-to-put-the-condom-on-properly situation. PLUS you’ll have to scrub the floors to get rid of the lube after. On your knees.
YOUR GUY WILL STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER YOUR MAIN FUNHOLE
And the bigger problem is you most likely will, too. Once he’s in, he’ll be so concerned with hurting you, or too engrossed in the mental image of himself as a stallion (ew), or both, and you so dumbfounded by hardship, that the chances are that neither of you are going to remember about that little lady we call vagina and the major role she plays in keeping the garden party going.
In any case, if I’ve completely failed at making you reconsider bum sex, I guess make sure you give her the attention she needs. You know how.
That’s pretty much it. The only remaining point for me to make is that:
I’M STILL NOT CONVINCED BOYS ENJOY IT THAT MUCH, EITHER
A boyfriend once told me it would hurt him, too. Something about things being too tight, but it’s been so long that I’m hazy on the specifics of the conversation. He still wanted to do it, though.
Whatever, I couldn’t care less. I’m not a boy, I’m a girl. If you are one however, how about offering some insight in the comments?
As for the gays, I’m sorry about this being too focused on straight people sex, but you’ve had a whole VICE Guide to Being Gay to read up on.