The string of a banjo is yet to be plucked on stage this year at Worthy Farm and already the entire internet has had to endure days of incessant social media boasting about what a "totally bloody woooooo" time everybody is having at "Glasto". Friends you previously thought to possess both good taste and a sound mind are now unable to stop talking about how much they're enjoying their weekend of foot rot, fire poi and Phill Jupitus.
So it was a welcome relief when Wiley, booked to play on Saturday, took to Twitter last night to drop some truth bombs after arriving at the festival site and gradually coming to the realisation that a massive field full of lute players, Mumford & Sons fans and men dressed as dog gimps isn't really for him.
At first, he was just slightly miffed:
Then he realised where he could have been instead:
And that made him very angry:
It was soon clear where Wiley was placing the blame: at the feet of his long-suffering manager, who deserved to be wiped from the Earth for the unforgivable deed of allowing him to be booked for the biggest festival in the UK:
Then he began to attack the Glastonbury organisers:
Before coming to the conclusion that he hated ALL festivals:
Just in case his manager wasn’t stressed out enough at this point (what with the hordes of frantic phonecalls from Glastonbury's press team that he no doubt had to deal with), Wiley continued to berate him. But Wiley didn't abandon all of his manners, as he asked Woolf to pass on some pleasantries to Holland’s most famous musical export:
He then informed other festival promoters that, whatever they agreed to pay him to perform this year, he probably would have done it for a lot less:
Next, he politely asked Glastonbury if it was possible for him to pull out, go home and mull over how to put on an event that wasn’t so excruciatingly, overwhelmingly shit – no hard feelings:
But then he realised that he was so angry he didn’t care whether or not he was sued:
Instead, he wanted to be in a small Hackney park near his house:
It was time to take his requests to the Big Cheese. Surely he would have the power to offer absolution?
Next, Wiley responded to a fan who pointed out that Jay-Z had been much less of a diva when he played at Glastonbury in 2008, before hitting the world with the best comment anyone will ever say in relation to Glastonbury:
He was now so desperate that he began messaging Emily Eavis directly (incidentally, in response to a tweet in which the Glastonbury co-organiser thanked someone for dropping off some apple bits at her farm):
Finally, he ended his rant with a philosophical observation, explaining where Glastonbury was going wrong:
Follow John on Twitter: @prancehall
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