They've got the internet raging over the demise of the beautiful game, but they're just a symptom of bigger issues threatening the sport.
Clive Martin and Faze talked grime, fashion, drugs and clubs in a few of the capital's tackiest shops.
Take a boring pop track, add steel drums, pan-pipes and a 4/4 beat and voila: you have Instagram house, a genre of music that sounds like the last day of your holiday.
Marco Materazzi managing Elano deep in Tamil territory; Jon Arne Riise bringing his spectacular ginger foot to Delhi; Lucio succeeding Robert Pires as the star man in the hippy paradise of Goa. What more could you want?
If your Facebook feed looks anything like mine, it's getting overrun with normal people using weird image macros to bitch about "haters", "cheaters" and "whores".
How London and other UK cities swapped raving for a dire yuppie parody.
An XI made up of the league's most weird, fascinating, depressing and terrifying players.
A love letter to People's Club in Holloway – one of many life- and city-defining nights out under threat from the forces currently shaping London.
Tracing the origins of London's newest and most annoyingly infantile youth tribe.
Class war, a perversely resurgent club scene and burger queues – a year in the life of the greatest city on earth.
Teenagers, twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings – when and how are we supposed to grow up?
Boxing, speed garage, racial tensions and the collapse of the industrial heartlands – for a few years in the late 90s, all that and more was wrapped up in one of the most dazzling cunts on earth.
Remembering the fighting pits and seedy booze hovels that haunt the city like ghosts.
Would I be able to handle it?
I wanted to see what it's like to be a stranger in my own city.
Clive Martin investigates the magnetic appeal of Britain's favourite "party island".
Clive Martin's extended clubland adventure is coming soon to VICE.com.
No. They're fucking great.
The seaside town is like London before the whole place turned into Angel.
How did a band so boring get so fucking big?
The regulars at The Admiral Mann aren't going down without a pint.
The season's biggest bastards, flops and folk heroes revealed.
The two classics of Italian cinema make me feel less bad about my life.
The strange, slow star death of American cinema's last real tough guy.