Whitney Cummings Is Sick of Herself

Comedian Whitney Cummings is best known as the creator and star of the NBC series Whitney and as the co-creator and co-writer of the Emmy-nominated 2 Broke Girls—and now, she can add "author" to her résumé. Her upcoming memoir, I'm Fine… And Other Lies (October 3, G. P. Putnam's Sons) is an honest portrayal of her life and times; fellow actor and comedian B.J. Novak calls the book, "the funniest cry for help you'll read this year," and the book overall is wholly original, relatable, and insightful—just like Cummings herself.

We caught up with Cummings in advance of the book's release to discuss all the things she doesn't say onstage—from clinical codependence and debilitating anxiety to the rise of the independent woman and gender roles in Hollywood. Needless to say, she went personal in a perceptive account of what it means to be a woman in today's day and age with all of the insecurities and anxieties that come with it.

VICE: I read the entire book in one sitting and loved it.
Whitney Cummings: Really? I don't think I've even read the entire thing. The great thing about this process is that I've learned I'm not a clinical narcissist, because I'm so sick of myself and don't want to read it. That's a healthy reaction, right? But to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be ready to share any of this. I'm so full of terror and have had a pit in my stomach ever since they sent me the first draft. In my business, you have so many things going at once—TV shows, projects, movies—and sometimes things never actually come to fruition. It didn't occur to me this would ever be released. You get so used to failing that when something pans out, it's surprising.

Why did you feel ready to share these experiences now?
Being crazy is not cute in your 30s, but I couldn't stop. No matter how many inspirational quotes I saw on Instagram, I couldn't do it, and I needed help. I started working with mental health professionals and realized this is some deep, dark, painful stuff. I feel really trapped as a comedian—someone who is supposed to be funny and light, making jokes all the time. But I'm actually in this inauthentic armor. It felt phony not to expose this other side of myself.

What made it so important for you to include these details?
I wrote a Lenny Letter on a whim, and it felt indulgent, but people came up to me with tears in their eyes saying, "Thank you." There's so much shame about mental illness in our country, and so many stereotypes about women being "crazy" or "psycho." I felt like I needed to be strong all the time and couldn't be vulnerable or honest. We're socially constructed to hide our flaws, and that breeds pain for a lot of people. I wanted to make a book that made people feel like being human is OK, and I wanted to be a part of the solution.

As someone who's codependent, does it help to hear from readers who have had similar experiences?
Being a comedian is a very codependent job: "Do you still like me?" How about now?" I have this other part of who I am that's made of glass and makes mistakes, and I don't show that. To have someone come up to me in the airport and say "thank you" helps me realize that that other part of me isn't repellent, disgusting, or shameful. We have a desperate need to connect with people and to have our reality validated. To be able to do that is very healing. You realize you're not alone, which is such a primal human need.

You have a lot on your plate: HBO's A Lot, The Female Brain, and ABC's Roseanne reboot. How do you manage it all?
I'm finally able to be realistic about capability and human limitations. For a long time, I was defining my self-worth through productivity, and I eventually hit rock bottom. I was overworked and running on no sleep, which is not the kind of woman I want to be. I remember working on a TV show, and in the writer's room, we discussed a character going to a baby shower. I was like, "People don't do that," and the writer said, "Actually, normal people do this." I thought, My life is so self-centered! In order for life to imitate art, you have to have a life. So now I try to do everything with healthy motives and some grace.

Do you feel a responsibility to incorporate a feminist spin to these projects being in such a male-dominated industry?
Yes, it sometimes feels like you have to martyr yourself in order to help other women. I feel a lot of guilt if I'm not able to do a project that's about women or about empowering women, but I've realized that story will get told even if not by me. There are so many females in the industry now.

A few times in the book you mention the difference between your twenties and thirties. Do you have a different perspective now?
It's interesting—I just feel like I have a perspective at all. My self-esteem in my twenties was on such shaky ground, and I looked outside of myself to fill needs that can only be filled internally. I didn't have boundaries and was a fucking mess. But I can't look back and beat myself up. Until you have your brain, heart and soul in order, you can't be the best version of yourself. I believe the new luxury is being awake with emotional consciousness and finding ways to be present and to be mindful.

You work on word association with your therapist. I'd love to play a quick version of word association with you now.
My biggest fear right now isn't sharing anything dark or revealing. It's about not being funny enough.

Comedy.
Hard.

HBO.
Black. Wait, what?

Roseanne.
Hilarious.

Book.
Impossible.

Trump.
Yuck.

2 Broke Girls.
Canceled.

Los Angeles.
Sunscreen. You can tell I'm in my 30s because that's my answer.

Part of the book talks about the idea of "you go where you look." So where are you looking now?
That just made me emotional when you said that! I'm really looking for authenticity—whatever that means. I got all of the stuff I thought I wanted—whatever we think is going to be at the end of the rainbow—and it didn't help. I'm going to look toward the unknown and toward what I'm most afraid of, which is being vulnerable, authentic, having flaws, and exposing these ugly parts of myself to be judged. There's so much content out there, so I felt like, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to leave everything out there, not waste people's time, and go for it. I'll be looking everywhere except my Twitter replies.