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      Bollocks To The Hippocratic Oath

      Hey, you protoplasmic sacks of shit, I am a real doctor.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Feb 16, 2013

      People Are Awful at Suicide

      In general, failing at death is worse than failing at life. If you shoot yourself through the head at the wrong angle you end up retarded. Jump from one floor too low and you're paralyzed for life. One mouthful short of bleach and you'll have to wait for…

      By Dr. Mona Moore Feb 16, 2013
      By Dr. Mona Moore Feb 6, 2013

      The Perfect Vagina

      I had a patient once who would not stop complaining about her flaps—vaginal flaps. Miss Vagina Whiner first came to me saying she had lost all pleasure from sex because she was so embarrassed by her saggy lips, which drooped about her clitoris like the sl…

      By Dr. Mona Moore Feb 6, 2013
      By Dr. Mona Moore Jan 24, 2013

      I Made a Baby

      I always regale you with stories of death, disease, sexual perversity, and self-destruction. But sometimes there is a fleeting reprieve in the otherwise grim monotony of bodily failure. Last week I delivered my first baby!

      By Dr. Mona Moore Jan 24, 2013
      By Mona Moore Jan 2, 2013

      One-Night Stand Syndrome

      You know that feeling you have after a night of heavy drinking when you wake up and the pain is matched only by your nauseating shame after realizing there's a stranger's warm naked body beside you? Well, that happens for one man every morning, and it's n…

      By Mona Moore Jan 2, 2013
      By Dr. Mona Moore Dec 19, 2012

      Don't Touch Me

      I don't want to feel the bristles of your beard on my face after searching through a patient's pubes for crabs. I don't want to hug you and feel the dampness of your warm sweat under your shirt after turning over obese patients all day.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Dec 19, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Dec 12, 2012

      Fat Chance

      Worst of all, your chances of getting laid are not only reduced by looking like shit, but it would be quite a feat to get your 40-inch wide leg over, when your dick has long since been engulfed. Get fat, and your own body mass swallows your penis and turn…

      By Dr. Mona Moore Dec 12, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Dec 5, 2012

      What I Know About Death

      I haven't cried for a patient in over five years. I worry I've become a cold-hearted bitch who makes small children scream, jabs old ladies with needles, and remains unfazed in the face of relentless suffering.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Dec 5, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Nov 28, 2012

      The Voices in My Head Are Telling Me to Bathe in Shit

      A 30-year-old woman came into ER last week covered from head to toe in her own shit. She was very attached to it. Every time we tried to wipe any of it away she would flail and scream, agonized.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Nov 28, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Nov 14, 2012

      How to Drink Until Your Ass Bleeds

      He drank so much he had scoured the inside of his stomach raw with ulcers, which were bleeding out so quickly it ran straight through the 6.5m of his gut, mixed with shit and leaked all over the street.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Nov 14, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Nov 7, 2012

      What Not to Do for an Erection

      The wince-making shame of trying to push an increasingly flaccid penis into an ever more impatient pussy is undeniable. But the valiant lengths men go to in desperation can have painful consequences.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Nov 7, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Oct 24, 2012

      Please Don't Stuff Your Cock

      Why do men insist on stuffing their dicks with maggots, thermometers, and goldfish? If you're already bored of putting things in your ass, would you be so kind as to invest in a penis plug, rather than making me watch another man piss pus.

      By Dr. Mona Moore Oct 24, 2012
      By Dr. Mona Moore Jan 16 2013

      Doctors Can't Help You

      The higher I progress in the medical profession, the more I realize that half of being a doctor is saying things with authority and hoping my patient doesn't die—which most of the time works. The ones that do die would probably have died no matter what I…

      By Dr. Mona Moore Jan 16 2013