PEN PALS

  • There's No Sex in Prison Showers

    The average guy in jail is so scared of homosexuals or people thinking that he might be gay that we all wear our underwear in the shower. We’ve all seen the jail shows and heard the endless “Don’t drop the soap” jokes, but in all the years I was locked up, I was hardly ever naked. Full story

    2013 Jun 17 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Burying the Dead and Unloved

    Part of a 15-cent-an-hour job I had while in prison was burying inmates who died and had no one who could claim the bodies, or else didn’t have anyone who gave a shit to arrange a proper funeral. They had died over the winter and their bodies had been left in a shack until the gr… Full story

    2013 May 31 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • HardWhite and Harry Potter

    Harry Potter was fresh from the world and had a sickness to feed. The weakling fiend probably hated everything right now, but mostly he hated that his drug was gone. All Harry Potter will want is to get high and the boys are about to swarm on him. Little white wizards get no play… Full story

    2013 May 24 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • The Trials of Job

    After my sweet release from prison last year, I struggled for about a year looking for a decent job. I badly wanted to work, but I quickly became discouraged when my first ten applications were shot down, probably thanks to my status as a felon. Those were some tough times. Full story

    2013 May 13 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Bert Meets a Real Rapper Who’s a Year Out of Prison

    A lotta dudes in prison are rappers, but I don’t pay them much mind. But in the case of SunBlaze, I had a feeling that he was serious bizness—the way he kept to himself, quietly writing and not talking a lotta shit like lotsa dudes do. He got out last May and has been doing very… Full story

    2013 May 3 Bert Burykill Music
    5

  • Addiction Isn't a Disease, I'm Just a Dick

    When you’ve been sent back to prison multiple times for dirty pee like I have, you end up thinking a bunch about addiction—whether you’re a screwup or a bona fide addict, and if you’re an addict, what that means. Lots of people define addiction as a “disease,” but I don't… Full story

    2013 Apr 30 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Dying of a Dirty Mouth

    Don’t think appearance matters? I once saw an old man get killed in prison for having bad breath. He was Puerto Rican, but we called him Miagi 'cause he had a very Asian look and resembled Pat Morita. Unfortunately, his mouth was completely decayed and smelled like sweltering gar… Full story

    2013 Apr 22 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • RockBottom Heads Toward Bottom

    The early morning air stunk of pissy pussy and unwashed balls. RockBottom did his thing all night like always, dispensing drugs to the party people. The fiends were nodded out, neck-cramp proper, and the freaks spun out on E were in the bedroom, fruitlessly masturbating each othe… Full story

    2013 Apr 11 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Prisons I've Known and Yelped

    I was kicked off Yelp probably about 15 times. I’m the ORIGINAL prison reviewer, along with some guy named Craig who did a nice review of Rikers four years ago and who probably got kicked off too. I lost my classic reviews, so I decided to make some more. Full story

    2013 Apr 5 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Inmates Love Lawsuits

    A prisoner named Kim Millbrook won a Supreme Court case with a handwritten petition, which is impressive. Thanks to him, inmates have the right to sue scumbag pork chops in federal jails, but the truth is that an assload of taxpayer money gets wasted on inmates’ frivolous lawsuit… Full story

    2013 Mar 28 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Don’t Stick Dominoes in Your Dick

    Some guys in prison like to get together in the bathroom, puncture their penises with a little slice, and then insert an implant. From what I hear, usually they break off a piece of a domino and insert it up under the foreskin area, or sometimes, down closer to the base. Gross. Full story

    2013 Mar 22 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Home Is Where the Prison Is

    The latest article I’ve seen about reforming the prison system is from something called GovLab, and it’s all about “data analytics” and “geo-driven decision making” and “virtual incarceration.” It sounds all nice and fancy when they say it, but it’s pretty clear that they’re in s… Full story

    2013 Mar 18 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • HardWhite Loves Twerk ’n’ Jerk

    The county jail ain't that bad. I lie in bed all high and toasty listenin’ to music, plottin’ on my next move, and readin’ the Scrabble dictionary to build my vocab massive. I’m focused and dedicated to suck the most love outta the stinkin' clink while languishin’ in anguish in t… Full story

    2013 Mar 7 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Down in the Hole

    The cops definitely use the box as a tool, and it’s been seriously overused. In New York, the box is officially called a Special Housing Unit (SHU), and it is a serious tool to keep the inmates in check. I did very limited box time, and it scared the shit out of me. Full story

    2013 Feb 28 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Prisons Punish Families Too

    Imagine your dad was locked up for most of your life. You’d grow up poor, probably full of anger, likely in a louse-filled neighborhood with unseemly influences, and you’d have a greater chance of becoming a whore or a thief or a drug dealer and following dear old Dad into jail… Full story

    2013 Feb 21 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Valentine's Day Is a Punch to the Gunt

    Girls love a lot of nonsense, like drinking out of wine glasses. What the fuck’s that for? You can just drink cheap wine out of the bottle and it tastes lovely as virginal blood. Girls also fall for sucker shit like soap operas and shopping networks, so of course they’re going to… Full story

    2013 Feb 14 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Incorrect Officers

    Daaamn! Look at this prison guard who’s having a cop killer’s baby after banging him behind bars! Over the years I’ve spent incarcerated, I’ve definitely run into a few slags working for Corrections. Full story

    2013 Feb 11 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Rehab or Prison?

    Intervention-type shows give people the impression that everyone in rehab is on the verge of death, whereas it’s actually filled with heads trying to stay the fuck outta jail. In a lot of ways, it’s just another moneymaking racket. Full story

    2013 Jan 29 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Rappin' Wif Rockbottom

    Even when I’m lookin’ cracked-out, I possess profucious retard strength. I can smoke 20 twenties, eat a whole chicken, light a couch on fire, and throw it out the window with my grandma sitting on it. Full story

    2013 Jan 22 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • God Behind Bars

    I’m not proud to be prejudiced against religious people, but at least when in jail I definitely have a problem with them. It doesn’t matter what faith they’re representing, they usually seem to be delusional or crazy. I’ve lived next to convicts who really think they can talk to… Full story

    2013 Jan 15 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • HardWhite, an Introduction

    The ballad of HardWhite and RockBottom's first meeting and the beginning of a deliciously destructive relationship that was created by the lucrative machinery that manifests itself from a combination of prison, women, and drugs. Full story

    2013 Jan 8 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Holidays in Jail

    Lamentably, I’ve spent the majority of the past decade’s Christmases locked up. I try to imagine I’m a tough son of a bitch and this doesn’t affect me, but I tell you, it’s mega-hard not to succumb to the depression. Full story

    2013 Jan 2 Bert Burykill NSFW
    5

  • Thirstbuckets

    Normally, I like to coin my own crackerisms and slang when it comes to describing indescribable prison behaviors, but I can’t improve on “thirstbucket.” In case you don’t know, that’s ghetto terminology for inmates who have crackhead tendencies. Thirstbuckets fiend for everything… Full story

    2012 Dec 18 Bert Burykill NSFW
    5

  • Slaying the Snot-Sneezing Dragon

    Guys in prison jack off so much they’ll try damn near anything. I used to spray hot water from an artificial lemon all over my sac when I busted just ‘cause I had nothing better to do. I once had a toilet in a cell with a stainless steel seat that would get all cold, and when I f… Full story

    2012 Dec 11 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Pissin’ Out the Pain

    I’d never been happier to relieve myself in a jailhouse bullpen full of dirty men. I pissed for about five minutes and felt great. Then I finished and looked around like, “Fuck worrying about going to hell… I’m already in hell.” Full story

    2012 Dec 4 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • 'Ruff Buttlove' and Other Prison Raps

    This song is basically a true story about two different bonerabelles whose booties I plundered. To all the young bucks reading this: When you go to summer camp, fuck a chick in the ass. No regrets. Full story

    2012 Nov 17 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Why Can't I Vote?

    Who knows what the outcome would be if felons were granted the right to vote? Truth is, we’d probably be too busy smoking rocks, gettin’ money, and fucking fat bitches to even know an election was scheduled. Criminals got better shit to do than waste their time voting. Full story

    2012 Nov 1 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • I'm in Love with This Fake Pussy

    I’m a brutally honest man, which is about to get me in trouble. I should never admit that this plastic suction cup slut with soft, slimy, rubber guts feels better than my girl’s own bonerable treasure trove, but it does. Tenga is the best snatch on Earth times 20. Full story

    2012 Oct 26 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • Hey There, Lonely Girl

    It breaks my heart to think about a woman all on her own in prison. Basically, I’m down to do what you want me to. Maybe I can send you some old books or pornos or something. If you tell me your interests I can print out articles from online or send pictures. Can I send you a pic… Full story

    2012 Oct 19 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5

  • The Good Ole Bad Ole Days

    Bad things were happening all around me, but I was in a pre-ejaculatory state of perma-bliss. I had dough, I had a girl, I had fun, and thought I had all the freedom in the world just ‘cause I bought a lotta shit with blinky lights. Full story

    2012 Oct 11 Bert Burykill Stuff
    5
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