PROLATE SPHEROID PREVIEW
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What I Want from the NFL in 2013
First of all, I want football to continue to happen and not cease to exist because the world has been swept by disease/war/starvation/robots and we no longer care about frivolous things like what large men do with an oddly shaped ball. Then I want Tim Tebow to be happy. Full story
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The NFL Is Terrible This Week
A whopping 13 games this week feature either two miserable teams flailing at each other like a bitter married couple going through the motions during an argument, or a really good squad that’s already secured a place in the playoffs and a toxic, tumor-ridden failure of a franchis… Full story
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The Ennui of Raiders-Chiefs
"Will we remember this game any more or less than another when we are taking stock of our lives in our twilight years? Or is true meaning found in pursuits distant from the field: raising children, loving a wife, helping our neighbors in times of need? Ah, well, another day…”… Full story
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RGIII Is Number I in Our Hearts
The Redskins quarterback is something to feel good about in football, finally—it’s fun to watch a star bring a franchise back into the public eye, it’s fun to see an offense utilize an individual’s talents that effectively, and it’s fun to see a set of quirky formations triumph… Full story
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Being Alex Smith Sucks
Football is a depressing sport, whether you're the Kansas City Chiefs, the lamely-named San Diego Chargers, Aaron Rodger's mustache, or Alex Smith, who lost his job just when everything was coming up Milhouse for him. Sad faces all around. Full story
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Shut Up and Give Thanks for Football
In our weekly picks, we give thanks for rap songs about the Broncos, Chad Henne highlight reels, .gifs, old beer ads, and Pogs. We do not give thanks for the Cowboys. Full story
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J! E! T! S! Mess Mess Mess!
I love it when Tim Tebow's teammates tell the media that he's terrible. I love it when Rex Ryan's wife makes foot fetish videos. I love the dysfunction and the abject failure and Mark Sanchez's terrible love life. Go Jets! Full story
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Offensive Lineman Dreams
Why would you want to be an offensive lineman? Who still wears Zubaz? Do people have sex with dolphins? What happens when a kicker has to poop? Does anything good happen at two in the morning? We answer these questions and pick NFL games. Full story
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Keep It Simple, Stupid Football Guys
In our weekly NFL picks column, we predict the outcome of the games, as well as the presidential election, and Tim Tebow's political career. We also discover a song about the Tennessee Titans and talk about the evolution, or devolution, of NFL offenses. Full story
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The Children Are Our Future… Quarterbacks
Are we going to give preschoolers with promising hand-eye coordination specially-designed steroids so that one day they can earn millions while trying to decapitate each other for our entertainment? Will we grow quarterbacks in vats and assign them numbers instead of names so we Full story
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There Aren’t Any Good NFL Teams This Year
“How about parity in the NFL?” a man says to another man as they sit on a park bench and watch the traffic in the distance. “Yes, parity,” the second man says. How can he put the love he feels for his friend into words? He can't. So he talks instead about how every team in the AF… Full story
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Hot Young Stud Quarterbacks
Now that there are a bunch of young guns who can play quarterback well, there’ll be a lot more exciting ball throwing happening. Which is good. Ignore the purists who bitch about change—remember when football was just 22 guys punching each other in the mud? Full story
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Why Aren't There Football Coaching Grad School Programs?
Coaches learn their extremely difficult, demanding, horrifically time-consuming jobs as they go along, picking up knowledge as they work. Why don’t NFL coaches just go to grad school to study football? Full story
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Is It OK to Watch Young Men Get Paralyzed on Live TV?
I’m not going to stop watching football, but how do you excuse watching something as obviously evil as the NFL? Is it like eating processed meat or buying shoes made with slave labor—do you just not think about it? I guess that’s what you do. Shit. Full story
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The Best Teams Are Always Changing
The bad teams constantly turning over personnel, trying to find a few dozen guys to peak and stay in one piece at the same time. The good ones stay the same over seasons, and the great ones are in a state of constant flux, to the point where the Patriots are always making deep ru… Full story
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Let’s Just Turn the Refs into Lasers
By 2030, I want the games to be officiated by motion sensors and nanobots. And the cheerleaders should be replaced by 3-D holographic .gifs that summarize the most important news stories of the day. And the players will mostly be lizards. Anyway, on to picking games. Full story
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The Giant Insane People of the NFL Are Back, Finally
Professional football is played at speeds too fast for the viewer to follow what is happening. The games are too long and the stop-and-start action is constantly interrupted by homophobic, misogynistic beer ads. The rules are bizarre. And the game destroys the lives of too many p… Full story
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Here Comes the White-Power Safety Patrol
The White Student Union advocates for “persons of European heritage”—aka “white people.”
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Did a Murderer Just Give Himself Away on Yelp?
It seems like he might have done.
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I'm Hunting Down the Fat Fetishist Who Has My Stolen Laptop
He likes big ladies and lives in a maisonette.
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Dogmageddon: Don't Bet on the Apocalypse
Or you'll end up dead broke, instead of just plain dead.
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How Are We Supposed to Know What the Government Does?
It's pretty terrifying how little we know.
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I Tested out Three Cambodian Spiritual Practices
And learned that Cambodian ghosts apparently don't believe in Jesus.
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Really, Ryan?: Gay Men and Their Not-So-Cute Misogyny Problem
It's not OK to call your lady friends dumb sluts just because you like the same private parts.
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Tao Lin's iPhone Photos of Taipei: Taipei Signs
Tao shows us some of his favorite signs around Taipei.
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VICE News: Triple Hate - Part 1
A documentary about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
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VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
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Tao Lin's iPhone Photos of Taipei: Taipei Signs
Tao shows us some of his favorite signs around Taipei.
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Noisey: Guitar Moves - Blake Mills
Malibu native Blake Mills was already making waves at the tender age of 19.
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VICE News: Triple Hate - Part 1
A documentary about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
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Here Comes the White-Power Safety Patrol
The White Student Union advocates for “persons of European heritage”—aka “white people.”
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Did a Murderer Just Give Himself Away on Yelp?
It seems like he might have done.
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Did I Discover YelaWolf?
This. CD. It looked like… I really can’t even explain the levels of wrong this thing was.
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I'm Hunting Down the Fat Fetishist Who Has My Stolen Laptop
He likes big ladies and lives in a maisonette.
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Las Vegas Needs to Get Creative with Its Homeless Problem
Here are some ideas.
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Let VICE School You on the Web This Internet Week
There's a lot more to the web than carnal perversions and dwarfed felines.
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I Tested out Three Cambodian Spiritual Practices
And learned that Cambodian ghosts apparently don't believe in Jesus.
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How Are We Supposed to Know What the Government Does?
It's pretty terrifying how little we know.
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The Cosmic Adventures of Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire
Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire's hard-partying, lecherous persona couldn't be further from the truth.
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Here Is Action Bronson's New Video, Featuring Riff Raff and Some Pit Bulls
Here's his new video for "Strictly 4 My Jeeps," which is set in Queens and features Riff Raff.
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Really, Ryan?: Gay Men and Their Not-So-Cute Misogyny Problem
It's not OK to call your lady friends dumb sluts just because you like the same private parts.
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VICE News: Teenage Riot - São Paulo
The fight for a free pass on public transportation in São Paulo is not only for students anymore.
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Rob Ford, the World's Greatest Mayor, Smokes Crack
What's the big deal? Everyone finds themselves in this position once in a while.
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VICE News: Triple Hate - Trailer
A doc about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
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Art Talk: Matt Mignanelli
A chat about his work, life, and strong American work ethic.
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The Mercy Rule: Hearing the Spurs
They're not too boring; you're too young.
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Pigeon Racing Is a Dying Sport in Canada
We hung out with one of Toronto's finest pigeon racers to find out why anyone would want to pigeon race.
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Suck on the Monolith
Ken Baumann's first novel is, in short, fucked.
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VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
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A Few Impressions: 'Gatsby'
In the end, Luhrmann made it work, and that’s all that matters.
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Why Don’t Dudes Like My Crotchless Panties?
Crotchless panties make me hornier than a nude Jake Johnson offering me a burrito.
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The Cute Show: Capybara Bathhouse!
We met a herd of capybara who love to take dips in the park's hot springs.
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Austerity's Drug of Choice
Greece's infamous new drug, sisa, is meth mixed with filler ingredients like battery acid.
Thought and Memory
New Fiction by Ed Park 
Malaysian Neo-Nazis
Fighting for a Pure Malay Race 
The Strongest Dwarf in New Jersey
Remembering My Tormentor 
Gay Men and Their Misogyny Problem
It's Not Cute Anymore 
Snooping Around Nicolas Cage's House
So Many Bummers 
Saudi Arabia's Feminist Revolution
It's Not Happening 
