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      Skinema

      Chris Nieratko reviews the best in porn.

      By Chris Nieratko Oct 20 2014

      BBQ TitMasters

      For years I've wanted to make a barbecue-themed porn flick, and now Joanna Angel has completely ripped me off. This blatant plagiarism will not stand!

      By Chris Nieratko Oct 20 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Sep 3, 2014

      Sex Crimes

      When I was 19, I had a casual Mrs. Robinson thing going on with a wonderful woman in her 40s from Easton, Pennsylvania, home of Crayola crayons. Over the course of our relationship I got to know some of her younger friends who skated, and we'd often hit u…

      By Chris Nieratko Sep 3, 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Aug 4, 2014

      9½ Weeks: An Erotic XXX Parody

      A good buddy I grew up skateboarding with just had his penis surgically removed, and Mickey Rourke made him do it. As kids there was no one we wanted to be more than The Pope of Greenwich Village– and 9½ Weeks–era Mickey Rourke.

      By Chris Nieratko Aug 4, 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Jun 17, 2014

      The Lost Tapes 3

      The spring of 2000 was a different time. It was an age of innocence before George W. Bush destroyed humanity and before one could watch pornography on a cell phone in an airplane bathroom to calm in-flight nerves.

      By Chris Nieratko Jun 17, 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Mar 24, 2014

      The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody

      The tagline for this Walking Dead porno parody is "A jizz shot was the only sure-fire way to return these undead creatures to the grave!" It reminds me of some advice I was given in my youth on how to avoid impregnating girls: "You can't get a mout…

      By Chris Nieratko Mar 24, 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Feb 19, 2014

      Dress-Up Dolls

      Regardless of how much I enjoy sporting a Hitler mustache and making jokes at the expense of old Hitzy, there was never a time when I was mildly interested in the KKK, even for comedic value; I hate white people just as much as the next guy.

      By Chris Nieratko Feb 19, 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Feb 3, 2014

      Strapped for Teacher #03

      Judging from the variety of pornographic storytelling I've closely examined and reviewed over the years, a lot of romances spark in the schoolhouse. I've always thought PTA meetings would be a good place to creep out on hot MILFs.

      By Chris Nieratko Feb 3, 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Jan 3 2014

      Brazil Xposed

      The biggest scam in Rio de Janeiro is that the sexy topless prostitutes shaking their boobs and butts at you on the street corners are actually men. Or were men. Now she-men. But goddamn if they aren't convincing.

      By Chris Nieratko Jan 3 2014
      By Chris Nieratko Nov 27, 2013

      MILFs Anal Addiction

      There are people who are cursed with incurable diseases, missing limbs, small penises... I feel no pity for them because my curse is far worse than anything found in a medical encyclopedia. My curse is that I'm never seated next to a beautiful woman on an a…

      By Chris Nieratko Nov 27, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Oct 30, 2013

      One-Night Stands

      Not one day passes that I don't crave the open air of a strange and new place, wanting to find myself in inexplicable predicaments on foreign soil and barely escaping with my life.

      By Chris Nieratko Oct 30, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Aug 16, 2013

      Babysit My Ass

      In April, after a battery of tests, at age three and a half, my firstborn son was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I should have realized something was up when he lined 34 pancake bites across his highchair tray equidistant apart from each other in a str…

      By Chris Nieratko Aug 16, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Jun 3, 2013

      Obedience School

      Have you ever tried to mop up the floodwaters of a squirter? FEMA and the Red Cross combined would be ill-equipped to handle the task; there just aren't enough sandbags on earth to hold back those tides. Hurricane Sandy's aftermath was nothing compared wi…

      By Chris Nieratko Jun 3, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Apr 12, 2013

      Gimme a Fucking Break #4

      Despite flunking out of six of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in New Jersey in less than three years, I never got to experience the crazy beach rompfest marinated in cheap beer that is spring break.

      By Chris Nieratko Apr 12, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Mar 20, 2013

      Bitches in Uniform

      Much like the modern-day hipster with soft hands and manicured nails and the garb of a longshoreman, skateboarders appropriated the style of blue-collar workers two decades ago.

      By Chris Nieratko Mar 20, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Jan 8, 2013

      No Warning 7: Ambushed

      I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by Hurri…

      By Chris Nieratko Jan 8, 2013
      By Chris Nieratko Dec 5, 2012

      Baristas

      I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. I felt it was my duty as a native of New Jersey.

      By Chris Nieratko Dec 5, 2012
      By Chris Nieratko Nov 1, 2012

      Anal Lessons

      Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that's what I'd like to do when I grow up.

      By Chris Nieratko Nov 1, 2012