Is Johnny Depp the Lamest Guy on Earth?

By Jamie Lee Curtis Taete

Of course he is. Fucking look at him. I figured this was a total no-brainer, but nobody ever seems to believe me. Did you see that interview he just did with Vanity Fair where he said that being photographed was like being raped?

From the Daily Mail:

"The 48-year-old, who is one of the highest paid actors in the world, made the comments while complaining about the downside of fame.

'You just feel like you're being raped somehow,' he said. 'Raped... It feels like a kind of weird... just weird, man.'  Clearly not a fan of the process, he then went on to call [the photographers] 'dumb' and 'stupid'."

Poor Johnny Depp. It must be hard when you're a serious artist and you just want to make beautiful, subtle character studies like Pirates of the Carribean 4, collect your modest $55 million salary (seriously, that's actually how much he got paid for that movie), and just be left alone. When I was with some friends laughing at this obviously ridiculous statement this morning, I was surprised to find that they all disagreed with me and felt that Johnny was in fact "a pretty cool guy." I can only assume that this misjudgement is due to poor information, so here are the worst things I can think of about Johnny Depp:

HE'S BALD

I saw him in real life once. I'm not sure how it doesn't show up in pictures, but his hairline is literally a foot above his eyebrows, and it's all weave. Not that there's anything wrong with being bald, it happens to everyone. I just feel that a beautiful freak like Johnny (who once referred to himself as a "pale no-hoper") should own it, rather than hiding it under those stupid fucking Cameron Diaz hats. Also, on the subject of hats, I just saw this article about his hat collection in The Sun, which I'm going to reproduce here in full, because there isn't a single sentence in it that isn't horrible:

"FILM star JOHNNY DEPP has been ordered to throw out his vast collection of hats by fed-up partner VANESSA PARADIS.
The quirky actor's headwear is said to take up two rooms in their Paris apartment — but Vanessa wants them all gone by the end of the year.
She reportedly issued the ultimatum after the Pirates Of The Caribbean star came home with a hat he bought off a homeless man.
A source told a US paper: "Vanessa was livid and told him the hats had to go or she would trash them.
"But he's way too fond of them, so he'll move the bulk of the collection to one of their other homes.""

HE'S IN FUCKING TERRIBLE MOVIES

The biggest misconception about J-Depp is that he only does the big budget stuff to pay the bills and, in an ideal world, would be doing weirdo artsy stuff (like, er, Sleepy Hollow) all the time. But looking at his IMDB page, I can see maybe four or five movies he's been in that could be considered "good." (Cry-Baby, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Gilbert Grape and Edward Scissorhands. I hear that Platoon is good, too, but I haven't seen it.) That's about 6 percent. Numbers ain't great.

HE ALSO MAKES FUCKING TERRIBLE MUSIC

See also: "(Johnny) plays lead slide guitar on the track "Fade In-Out," from the 1997 album Be Here Now. Noel Gallagher, Oasis's lead guitarist, was allegedly too drunk to perform it himself, so celebrity pal Depp stepped in and nailed the lead on one take."

HIS CLOTHES

He seems to have two looks—his formal, "that tap dancing demon from the musical episode of Buffy" look.

And his more casual "you are almost 50 years old. This has to stop" look.

PS, how long do you think it takes him to get dressed each day? He's wearing AT LEAST fifteen seperate garments in that last picture.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE THAT HE ACTUALLY SAID

"I hate fame. I've done everything I can to avoid it."

AND ALSO THESE THINGS THAT I FOUND ON A SITE OF JOHNNY DEPP TRIVIA

He:

- Purchased Bela Lugosi's Los Angeles home.

- Co-owns a restaurant/club in Paris called Man Ray (named after avant-garde artist Man Ray) with Sean Penn, Mick Hucknall and John Malkovich*. The restaurant is located in a renovated theater and serves Tibetan cuisine.

- Was good friends with Hunter S. Thompson until his death. Depp helped to fulfill Thompson's last wish after the writer died. Thompson wanted his remains to be shot out of a 150 foot long canon.

- Was once arrested for trashing a New York hotel room. Depp claimed that an armadillo was responsible, saying that he had found the animal hidden in a closet and it had gone crazy, wrecking the hotel room before leaping out the window.

- Is a fan of the gypsy musical group Taraf de Haidouks.

- Is scared of clowns.

- Once said "I remember carving my initials on my arm and I've scarred myself from time to time since then. In a way your body is a journal and the scars are sort of entries in it."

I think that covers all of the major areas. Feel free to leave additional points in the comments.

*if you were thinking "Mick and Sean are dicks But Malkovich seems like an alright guy," you should check out his clothing line Technobohemian.

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