An Inconvenient Urethra

Wuddup ladies, are you ready to get that bladder emptied? Oh wait, you can’t because you’re in public and your urethra is on your vagina and in your pants forever. Well, lucky for you the design team behind GoGirl has invented this revolutionary funnel that will aid you in all your dire public-pissing needs. (It’s only 35 dollars!)

It’s so weird that I stumbled across this thing when I did, because I was JUST talking about how women are so stupid and shitty. I mean, we get raped all the time, we can’t do math, our literature sucks, and worst of all, we have to pee sitting down. Ugh, what a nightmare. Funnels like GoGirl and Fenis, however, solve this biological whoopsie by giving ladies the chance to have a penis (kind of). Geared toward women with an active lifestyle, whether you’re skiing, camping, hiking, or seal clubbing, bring along one of these female urination devices and put your mind at ease knowing that you can piss into it.

Personally, I do not have an active lifestyle at all, but I do wish to be a man—not as badly as some people, considering I’m still not a man, but badly enough to go out and buy one of these fucking things.

Pissing into a funnel is not as easy as they make it sound. Not to brag, but I’ve urinated in public places many times in my life and it is far easier than trying to scoop my disgusting snatch into this little purple cone. For the first time in my life I had what is referred to as a “shy bladder,” which momentarily ruined my sense of pride.

Regardless, I found a way to ease my mind into letting me pee. I also refused to take my pants off. You see, peeing out your fly is one of the key attributes of male urination—and of the male gender in general—and something that I have always envied. I’ve pissed on my own clothes so many times in the past that I now have a pretty solid technique when it comes to squatting down and letting my urethra go. My system has been established through much trial and error, and when something as revolutionary as a female urination device is introduced to this system, I need to be able to take the liberty of wearing pants. Otherwise, these technological advances are just playing catch up to the tricks I’ve already taught my vagina.

Great. So here I am pissing beneath the crucifix at the heart of Montreal’s Mount Royal. Why, you ask? Because, as you may have noticed, if you ask any girl who’s worth her weight in tits “What would you do if you were a boy for a day?” she will ALWAYS says, “Pee on _____.” That is what I looked forward to doing most. I have to admit, I see this as a great accomplishment: wearing pants and peeing at the center of a giant crucifix. However, this is still only a small fraction of greatness compared to my dream of being entirely naked and taking a shit at the center of the Vatican.

Anyway, I journeyed on to find a second pissing destination that would really bring out my feverishly repressed internal male ego.

So here I am, minding my own business, peeing toward an aerial view of McGill University, and then…

Womp, womp, my urine escaped the mouth of the funnel and trailed down my pants, warm as the summer sun. In fairness, it was made clear to me that you’re not supposed to wear pants when using this female urination device, but as I mentioned above, that is bullshit. So although I was lucky on the first go-round, logistically, this thing just doesn’t make any sense. If you’re not clenching onto your vulva with a death grip, trying to keep the funnel in place, you’re going to get pee everywhere like some girl who tried to piss standing up with her pants on.

At the end of the day I’m just really confused by this thing, and have a lot of questions for the people responsible.

Why the FUCK would anyone ever use one of these things? Are you supposed to keep it in your purse and carry it around like a piss-jar hoarding fiend? What’s so difficult about angling your female body in a way that ensures good pee times? Why does this funnel cost 30 dollars? Who are the women supposedly benefiting from this experience? Are they just too old to squat properly? Maybe they shouldn’t be outside in the first place. Are they actually making money? Was this a joke? How could a person be so passionate and inspired by this idea that they decided to invest in the labor of its manufacturing? Were the manufacturers all volunteers?

I’m going to start my own company and it’s going to be called “SKID MARX.” I’m going to sell pairs of underwear with windshield wipers enmeshed into the fabric, except the wipers will be in the shape of Karl Marx’s face, so that when they wipe away the stains from your underwear it’ll look like he’s licking it up like a tasty treat. And then I’m going to market it toward struggling entrepreneurs, because they must be soooo busy that they can’t fully wipe their asses and it will be the perfect solution to that inconvenient, pesky fecal residue that they’re always complaining about. SOLD.

In conclusion, one time I peed my pants.

Can't read? That's OK. We also filmed Kara and her temp penis.

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