EVERYTHING YOU ENJOY WILL KILL YOU--EXCEPT FOR BEER, WHICH MAKES YOUR BONES HARD

This week several studies have further ruined the joy of drinking soda and smoking pot while dumb old beer's escaped judgment.

By WILLIAM NIGH

First they took away our cigarettes, now they’re going after everything else. This week several studies have further ruined the joy of drinking soda and smoking pot while stupid shit like grapefruit has escaped judgment. Especially horrifying is that soda is causing pancreatic cancer in Singapore, maybe. You see, the researchers responsible for the study can’t tell if it’s all the delicious sugar that is actually causing cancer, or just the poor general health of pop-drinkers. Or even just the poor general health of Singapore.

As for pot, it’s looking like everyone’s favorite Canadian export can’t cure Alzheimer’s. Well, at least that one’s not too surprising. Who really thought that a drug known to ravage short term memory might cure a disease responsible for ravaging long term memory? Researchers at the University of British Columbia and Vancouver Coastal Health Research Institute, apparently. An early synthetic weed treatment worked to “reduce the toxicity of plaques and promoted the growth of new neurons,” or something. What’s more, studies looking at aging baby boomers are finding that ex-hippies have major health problems, possibly stemming from their smoky college years.

But then there is some good news too: Beer is good for your bones. Right here is where you guys offer up a bunch of dick jokes in the comments.

By WILLIAM NIGH 2 years ago

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