JESUS MENDOZA'S CROSS OF STATIC

By JOHN MCSHANE

Jesus Mendoza suffers from a similar sensitivity to technology. He refuses to spend more than a few minutes at a time in a house wired with electricity, near power lines, etc. But there’s a twist to his story: where the Brits we talked to claim to have been born with their condition, Jesus believes that his was developed later in life as a result of a vengeful government.

Jesus says that the government has been torturing him and his family with satellite radiation. He’s had some pretty weird health problems over the past ten years and has gotten enough suspect, conflicting explanations for them that this is as good an answer as any. He’s been suing his way through the government ever since, going after heavy-hitters like John Ashcroft, Alberto Gonzalez, and even Bush the Younger.

It’s easy to dismiss both Jesus and the Electrophobes’ stories with a cursory “loltinfoilhatrofllmfao,” but there’s clearly something physically wrong with these people, especially Jesus. The photos of him swollen to twice his normal size or covered in inexplicable rashes cancel out the possibility of it all being straight paranoia. You can mock them all you want but until you’ve got a better explanation for why Jesus Mendoza can barely stand up after a few minutes near a toaster, you’re not really in a position to talk.

By JOHN MCSHANE 2 years ago

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