The Hopelessness Issue

Bob Odenkirk’s Page

Hopelessness

Bob Odenkirk breaks down the word "hopelessness" in this depressing-ass poem that should be handed out to college students on class registration day. Because with a degree in something like embroidery, you'll be spending the rest of your life wallowing in—well, just check the title. Full story

Skinema

No Warning 7: Ambushed

I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by Hurricane Sandy. Full story

Employees of the Month

Patrick is VICE Canada’s new managing editor, but dude’s been with us for quite a bit now. He bided his time by doing the boring shit like online-advertising operations until he told us Anonymous wanted to have a baby with him and started writing about the internet and other thin… Full story

Comics

Behind the Scenes at VICE Magazine

Hey Thomas, Johnny hasn't turned in his new comic yet and he's not answering his phone or email. I want you to go out to his place and see what's up. Full story

Hello, I Am Going to Die Because I Killed People

A few months ago, a death-row inmate sent our music editor a fan letter. He seems like a nice guy on paper—on the other hand, he did shoot a guy, hack him into pieces, and put them into a suitcase. Full story

What’s It Like Pulling Refugees Out of Australian Waters?

Australia has to deal with thousands of illegal immigrants sneaking through its borders each year. We spoke to a patrol-boat sailor to find out what it’s really like out there on the wild sea. Full story

Broken Hearts, Lost Minds, and Missing Limbs

In Afghanistan, the Frontline Is Everywhere

I am an American reporter. Aziz and I have worked together in Afghanistan since 2004. On this trip, I am reporting on the consequences of more than 30 years of war by spending time with a handful of its victims. Full story

You Will Never Be as Rich as These Pets

You’re going to die a poor, sad schmuck. But do you know who is rich? Animals! The following pets are all millionaires, and you’re still trying to use that expired student ID to get two bucks off at the movies on Tuesday night. Full story

Combover

Santa Daddy

She walked into the other room and came back holding up a Santa suit. And you bet your ass I put it on. I put it on like it was my bar mitzvah suit and we had to be at temple in five minutes. Full story

Li'l Thinks

Realness, to the Extreme

Couldn’t the consistently shitty foundation of almost everything we are and live with be some kind of necessary substructure of checks and balances? Like, a carefully evolutionary-ed trias politica, in the interest of maintaining a relatively stable level of the Fucking Worst Stu… Full story

The Cute Show Page!

Hawaiian Monk Seals!

Like many sea-dwelling mammals, Hawaiian monk seals are finding it nearly impossible to live in and around an ocean that has been raped, pillaged, polluted, and generally used as a landfill-cum-toilet by humanity since the halcyon days of the Industrial Revolution. Full story

Beef and Oil

A Bird’s-Eye View of Two of Modern Life’s Most Precious Commodities

Yes, that thing that looks like Earth’s gaping, bleeding asshole is a half-mile-by-half-mile runoff pool of cow shit and piss. It’s from Mishka’s new series, which consists of mega-high-resolution composite satellite images of cattle farms and oil fields (mostly in the American S… Full story

Cowards Are Blackmailing Young Women to Death on the Internet

Along with an Assortment of Other Disgusting Acts of Online Sexual Extortion

The most despicable corners of the internet house a byzantine network devoted to sharing screen-captured images of naked—and often underage—girls. And quite a few of these individuals get off on manipulating, blackmailing, and shaming the young women they encounter. Full story

America's Congress Is Cracking Up

The main issue facing the United States isn’t that the bad guys are in control of the government, it’s that the government—in particular, Congress—can’t get anything done. Or won’t, same difference. Full story

Running on Empty

Squandering the Earth’s Natural Resources Sure Was Fun

Mother Nature is one bad bitch who can shake Homo sapiens off her topsoil like a nasty case of dandruff. In recognition of this inevitable outcome, we asked our international offices to find out what resources their countries were running out of the fastest. Full story

Guns in the Sun

In Florida They Will Shoot You Dead, and It’ll Probably Be Legal

There are 270 million legal guns in the US. Regardless of where you stand on the issue of firearms laws, you might say that the situation presents a wicked problem—something that can’t be objectively solved or even described. Full story

Diseases Are Smarter Than Our Meds

Everyone Will Be Sick in the Drug-Resistant Future

Because I’m an obsessive hypochondriac, I had to know more about this impending biological disaster so that I can spend the interim wallowing in the comfort of a constant state of panic. To help me get there, I spoke with Rachel Nugent. Full story

How Are We Gonna Die?

Stuart Armstrong is a research fellow at the Future of Humanity Institute at the University of Oxford, where he’s been on a mission to gauge what sort of doom might befall mankind. Full story

A Free Show on Skid Row

Sun Araw Hangs Out with the Homeless and We All Get Happy

Skid Row is not just a hack 80s hair band, or a fabled place of destitution. It’s an actual neighborhood in Los Angeles where real people live. Not that most of LA would know. Full story

The Right to Die Is the Right to Live

Wolf the Artist and His Struggle to Survive as He Pleases

One month before his 18th birthday, my son Wolf was thrilled to receive invitations from galleries in Melbourne and New York City to exhibit his paintings. The bad news is that the showings are scheduled for the summer of 2013. Wolf may not be alive then. Full story

Have Animals Declared War On Us?

For millennia, humans have been wreaking havoc on animals. And now it appears that animals are striking back. So, I interviewed James Donahue, who believes the uptick in animal attacks is an omen to the "end of days." Full story

Records

Imagine calling up your old boy Billie Joe to see whether he wants to see a movie and his 40-year-old ass shows up late, looking like an Avril Lavigne flesh costume and asking whether you had a chance to listen to his demo for “Fuck Time” yet. Full story

Doomed

Photos by Bryan Derballa. Styling and Creative Director: Annette Lamothe-Ramos. Full story

Don’t Get Caught

I’ve Spent Eight Years and Counting in the System for a Nonviolent Felony

When I take a serious look around, it dawns on me how much wasted potential there is in prison, how many people are living with regrets who will never have a chance to make good on them. It’s way too late. Full story

The Secret Drinker’s Handbook

Follow These Ten Rules and Become a World-Class Clandestine Alcoholic

The first rule of secret drinking: Keep your date drinking, too. Only a sober person can spot a drunk. When a secret drinker enters a restaurant, even before he sits down, he takes note of the bartender, the bathroom, and a table with its back to the bar. Full story

Dreams Can Come True

Who Did You Want to Be Ten Years Ago?

Ten years ago, these ten people were ten. Here’s what they wanted most in the world. Full story