NEVER BEEN KISSED

By JAMES TENAFLY

Police in Marion, Illinois arrested a 24 year-old woman posing, very convincingly, as a 15 year-old boy when they attempted to register at Marion High School. The woman, Jennifer May, moved out to Illinois from San Francisco to attend school as boy Jack Stone/Jack Kaiser, enlisting a friend to pose as their legal guardian. Officials report that Kaiser/May “attended junior high in another state only a few years ago.” From all those confusing gender-neutral pronouns you should hopefully be able to tell that it’s not Kaiser’s gender identity that makes this story bizarre. Shit, even the 15-forever Peter Panning is within the realm of “whatever floats your boat.” But wanting to relive junior high and high school twice, as a queer person, and in Illinois no less? Yikes! That’s screwy. The whole thing sounds like a mash-up of Never Been Kissed and Boys Don’t Cry minus the horrific rape scene. Hopefully.