And then Jesus waved his arms and revealed that the universe was not finite, but instead merely a pair of unwashed spandex pants he’d been wearing to nighttime yoga sessions since the dawn of time.


Dogs are ostensibly great, but then you have to walk them two times a day, dress them in artisanal booties, listen to them talk and talk about how everyone is just a sack of blood with skin, blah, blah, blah, and now your kids won’t return your texts and people cross the street when they s...