I’ve been sloshing my way through a canyon full of snot over the past week, but rather than making a bathtub of promethazine sizzurp, I’ve gone for a sickbed favorite of mine. See, my mother always taught me that rather than fill up on vegetable soup or anything of nutritional value, you should feed an ill body with dough and vague cow off-cuts brined in a can. Who cares if you’re coughing up chunks of lung tissue when you're cuddled up under a blanky with these little saline buddies? We’ve fisted poultry and baked with benzos, but making bread for the first time gives you a sense of smuggington smug face that not even keying a supermodel's car can provide. Once you’ve broken the bread seal, you should be carb overdosing on jumbo baguette boats in no time.Ingredients1/2 a can of corned beef
1/2 an onion
4 cups of plain flour
1/2 cup of water
1/4 cup of condensed milk
1/2 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon of salt
5 tablespoons of softened butter
1 egg
2 teaspoons of active dry yeast Step 1.Dissolve the yeast in water. It’s very important to use lukewarm water; think the temperature cultivated by wet look leggings. Clammy. Clammy yeast.Step 2.Slowly stir in the butter, egg, and canned milk. Like I’ve said before, all good food looks like hobo vomit in the first stages of cooking.Step 3.Make a well in the flour and stir in the yeast sludge. Until it looks like…Step 4.Bread dough. You need to then knead the shit out of it for longer than feels necessary.Step 5.Once beaten into submission, cover and leave your dough brain to nap somewhere warm for an hour.Step 6.The corned beef may look like a disgusting hunk of cat food when you wrench it out of the can, but it tastes like scrumptious, cholesterol-raping salt meat.Step 7.Fry until squishy. Ketchup is optional. But really, you’re probably eating about 11 different bits of cow in one sitting already, so go ahead and dump it in. People are past thinking you’re classy.Step 8.Filling done, your dough should’ve doubled in size so it’s on to the second bout of kneading. Once you've gone to pains to sexualize as much food as I have, you can start complaining about how much effort this recipe takes.Step 9.Roll the dough out into this sort of shape.Step 10.Then chop it up evenly into fist-sized lumps like you're John Wayne Bobbit's hungry wife.Step 11.Punch your bread blobs flat and fill with your fancy-ass cat food and pinch to seal.Step 12.Shine your balls with more condensed milk and bake on 395f for 20 minutes.Et voila: Homemade buns perfect for keeping the vitamins in your system down, and the risk of irreversible heart complications in middle age up!Bone-appetite!JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT@fuertesknightPreviously: Girl Eats Food - Kool-Aid Donuts
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1/2 an onion
4 cups of plain flour
1/2 cup of water
1/4 cup of condensed milk
1/2 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon of salt
5 tablespoons of softened butter
1 egg
2 teaspoons of active dry yeast Step 1.Dissolve the yeast in water. It’s very important to use lukewarm water; think the temperature cultivated by wet look leggings. Clammy. Clammy yeast.Step 2.Slowly stir in the butter, egg, and canned milk. Like I’ve said before, all good food looks like hobo vomit in the first stages of cooking.Step 3.Make a well in the flour and stir in the yeast sludge. Until it looks like…Step 4.Bread dough. You need to then knead the shit out of it for longer than feels necessary.Step 5.Once beaten into submission, cover and leave your dough brain to nap somewhere warm for an hour.Step 6.The corned beef may look like a disgusting hunk of cat food when you wrench it out of the can, but it tastes like scrumptious, cholesterol-raping salt meat.Step 7.Fry until squishy. Ketchup is optional. But really, you’re probably eating about 11 different bits of cow in one sitting already, so go ahead and dump it in. People are past thinking you’re classy.Step 8.Filling done, your dough should’ve doubled in size so it’s on to the second bout of kneading. Once you've gone to pains to sexualize as much food as I have, you can start complaining about how much effort this recipe takes.
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