Sunday was New Year's Day. And like most people, when the world sprouts another white hair in its beard, I like to celebrate by making a to do list for myself for the upcoming year. Basically just trying to trick myself into thinking that somehow I'm going to magically become a different person by making a list of things I should've done the previous year. Here's what I'm gunning for in 2012:
Gain or lose 100 pounds
I've weighed 145 pounds since I was a senior in high school. It's totally boring. This year I either want to get down to my fighting weight of 45 pounds or get fully gravy'd out and bulk up to 245. I think my butt would look amazing filling out some 42/30 Dockers.
Kill something and eat it
I'm not a vegetarian. And I know that there's a huge disconnect between the meat I eat and where it comes from, so this year I'd like to kill something and eat it so that I can better understand the cycle of life. And because I've always wanted to kill a hobo.
Get a tattoo
I own a few tattoos, but it's been awhile since I've gotten one and lately I've been feeling like it's time to re-up. But I'm torn between two ideas: a sausage that looks like a hypodermic needle with "Hot Beef Injection" in Old English below the sausage, or Snoopy's dog house with tons of dog turds all over the ground with "Poopy" in Comic Sans above the dog house. 2012 is already filled with tough decisions.
Learn a foreign language
I'm thinking something from Star Trek or Mexico.
Stop yelling at my cat
This year I'm going to try to come to terms with the fact that my smaller cat (Josie) is a total shithead property destroying asshole of a cat. And when I see her tearing the crap out of the side of the couch I'm going to breathe deep, smile at her, and politely ask her to fuck off.
Ride my skateboard more often
This one is actually going to be super easy since it would almost be impossible for me to ride my skateboard more often than never.
Watch more television
Preferably something to do with people people living in Louisiana, or people having babies even though they didn't know they were pregnant because they accidentally let themselves become obese and super fucking stupid. Or poker.
Write a book
I want to write a sequel to The Old Man and the Sea where Santiago wakes up and realizes that everything that happened in the original book was a dream and that in reality he's a 17-year-old goth kid who works at a Long John Silver's in San Antonio, TX.
Movie Review: The Troll Hunter
Normally these movie reviews pertain to older movies that I think every younger person (or older person) reading this column should watch. This review differs because this film was made in 2010 and I only watched it because a friend of mine suggested I do so. Here's my review:
Apparently it took over a decade for The Blair Witch Project to reach Norway. I can't wait to see their interpretation of Memento. I hope it has trolls in it as well. Trolls rule. Even backwards.
Next week: Meatballs, for real. And skateboarding?
Previously – Last Week's Column
VICE News: Venezuelan Body Count
Last year alone, Caracas had more violent deaths than Baghdad.
Fresh Off the Boat: Back in Taiwan
Eddie gets into face paint, screaming lessons, and furry pink pillows.
VICE News: Beasts of Burden
Investigating illicit animal-fighting rings in Kabul.
Far Out: Agafia's Taiga Life
Agafia is the last surviving Lykov, remaining steadfast in her seclusion.
Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers: Meet the ATL Twins - Part 1
They share the same bed, wear matching outfits, and sleep with the same girls.