A Complete Dipshit’s Guide to Euro 2012

So, there’s no World Cup this year, and the Olympics will feature U-23 teams. Nothing is happening right now in the soccer world besides MLS. So, you should watch the Euro 2012 tourney. What is it? Who’s playing? How much is gum? These questions and more are answered in the Complete Dipshit’s Guide to Euro 2012.

Dipshit: Hey, uh, so I like to set my DVR a week in advance. I went to record First Take, and there’s nothing. NOTHING. What the hell is up with my TV?
VICE: Oh, yeah. The European soccer championships are starting on Friday, and every game will be shown on either ESPN or ESPN2 live from the Ukraine and Poland. Sports! During the day! This is a good thing.

I don’t know. I mostly just listen to talk radio. Then I watch The Bayless when I get home, and maybe I’ll tune in for the third inning of the Yankees game so I can get a good look at that pansy-fraud loser-clown A-Rod before I turn in for the night.
So, you don’t actually watch sports?

Listen, buddy, I don’t need to answer to anyone. I’ve been listening to Mike Francesa for too many goddamn years for you to question my loyalty.
I, um, wasn’t doing that, but OK! I was just trying to tell you that Euro 2012 might be something fun and new you could maybe watch, instead of listening to Skip Bayless turn into a stack of Pringles while he explains how LeBron James caused the sub-prime mortgage crisis and faked the moon landing.

Yeah, sorry about that, almost lost my gourd for a second there. That Beckins fella gonna be playing?
Beckham, you mean.

Sure, the one married to the Britney Spears.
He’s married to Victoria Beckham, which, yes, is surprising because I thought all European men took their wives’ names too. But no, (David) Beckham won’t be playing because (David) Beckham is pretty old, although he’s still quite a capable player. England will be without their best, most hair-plugged player, Wayne Rooney, for the first two games because Wayne Rooney lost his temper in a meaningless game in Montenegro last October. England will also be without midfielders Frank Lampard and Gareth Barry, both of whom became injured after being named to the final 23-man roster. Twenty-one-year-old Jordan Henderson got called up as a replacement, meaning England could now conceivably have five players from Liverpool FC in their starting lineup, which would be a good thing if they were trying to finish in eighth place in the English Premier League.

So, if I want to pick a winner [sticks finger in nose] I’m gonna have to root for guys who can’t even speak the same language as me? I’m not sure that’ll fly, amigo.
Ugh, I know. You might as well root for a team of Martians, but Mars is unfortunately not located in Europe. Since you’re probably a Yankees fan, I should mention Spain and Germany are the favorites. Spain won Euro 2008 and the 2010 World Cup. Xavi, one of Spain’s best players, says he plays soccer like it’s PlayStation, which might partly explain how Spain passes the ball so, so nicely—like, so nicely that I can’t compare it to anything, because there’s really never been anything like it before in sports.

Germany also plays really nicely, but they tend to sit back and then counter-attack whenever they win the ball back. They lost to Spain 1 to 0 in the 2010 World Cup semifinals, but they bring back basically the same team—just two years older and better. They’ve brought in a bunch of foreign-born players, and—along with revamping their youth structure—it’s totally transformed the identity of German soccer from a bunch of big, white guys kicking balls with their big feet into a bunch of not-necessarily-white, various-sized guys who pass the ball around and score a lot of goals.

Foreigners?
Yeah, whoops. Forget everything about Germany. Holland is another one of the favorites, and while they used to play like Spain, they now regularly trot out cleat-wielding neo-barbarians.

Is Holland where hollandaise sauce comes from?
Sure, whatever. Italy has a talented, fun, young team—and none of those words, especially “fun,” have ever been used to describe Italian soccer—but they just lost one of their left backs because he—and a number of other Italian players and coaches—maybe fixed a bunch of soccer games… again. Portugal could also win, but Portugal also housed a US fugitive for 40 years, so forget about that. You hate Cristiano Ronaldo’s face, anyway. And I won’t waste your time with France.

I wonder if Bayless is on the radio. Yeah, maybe I can just find him on the radio.
No, wait. While one of those six teams will almost definitely win, non-traditional powers have won two of the last five Euros. Croatia probably won’t do that, but there’s a really small chance they will. They possess the ball well. Their best player, Luka Modric, looks like a character from Lord of the Rings, which I know you saw, so there’s that. Their uniforms are checkerboards, and checkers is, plain and simple, just a really great fucking game. Their coach, Slaven Bilic, is a chain smoker, and he plays guitar in what is basically the Baltic version of Jimmy Eat World. Plus, their colors: red, white, and blue.

Hell yeah. Same colors as my blood.
Great! Croatia hasn’t been a part of Yugoslavia since 1990, anyway.

@rwohan