A Few Musings on the Life of Kim and Kanye

Kim could see Kanye’s perfect legs disappear as he closed the bathroom doors. French, the doors were very, very French.

I’m glad I had those put in last minute, Kim thought to herself as she gently spun her mascara-heavy eyelashes through her thumb and forefinger. Little flecks of black fell onto her bare stomach. It was 7 AM on a Sunday morning and she and Kanye had just finished making love, but she hadn’t gotten off.

The doors look gorgeous, she reminded herself.

Anything to distract from the fact that after almost two weeks of no sexual contact Kanye had failed to make her cum. Of course, she faked it. She wasn’t proud but she did it because sometimes you lie to not upset the ones you love. This was a rule her mother had ingrained in her when she was merely 14 years old. Her mother, Kris, had spent $5000 on a midnight blue Versace halter dress for Kim to wear to a very upscale birthday party, but she did not want her husband to find out.

“When Bruce asks where you got the dress you say you borrowed it from one of your friends,” her mother had told Kim in a hush-hush whisper as they hovered over the kitchen island snacking on Brie and rice crackers. “Sometimes you have to tell little white lies to not upset the person you love.”

Kim nodded as she digested this little motherly piece of wisdom along with another bite of brie.

And now here she was, almost two decades later, naked in bed while her lover, one of the most famous hip-hop stars in the world, was doing his ritualistic post-coital shower in her beautiful, refurbished bathroom and she was still horny.

Suddenly, her iPhone buzzed. She watched as the little white rectangle jiggled around her nightstand like ass fat. It was a text from her mother’s husband, Bruce Jenner.

Kim rolled her eyes to no one and instead of reading the text, continued to study her manicure for imperfections.

She could hear Kanye rapping his own lyrics over the shower water noise muted slightly by her beautiful French doors.

I should text Kourtney to tell her how amazing these doors look, Kim thought.

Then, her phone jiggled a second time: a new text from Bruce.

“Urgh,” she said out loud. Bruce was so annoying sometimes. Then, her phone buzzed again.

As if lashing out at Bruce for interrupting her thoughts, Kim snatched the phone from her nightstand and ran her finger over the unlock bar with angry speed. It immediately opened to Bruce’s messages.

“I don’t know how to deal with your mother, girls. She did not come home last night. Were you with her?”

Obviously a group text, she thought. Typical.

But the second text was not meant for her sisters.

“Kim, I need you to be honest with me. If you know anything I need to know. I hate to put you in the middle of this but I need help.”

“Please.”

Kim knew that Khloe and Kourtney were not going to be able to help him. Only Kim knew what was really going on with her mother’s double life. Ever since Bruce had decided to go golfing with an old friend of his who was once a model, Kris had been going a little crazy. She even dragged Kim to the golf course to spy on Bruce (which Kim thought was a bit silly because they had the camera crew surrounded them). A lot of the things they did were silly, but the camera changed life and Kim knew this well. Kim knew the power of the camera and she owed her life to it. She owed her French doors to that camera.

Bruce buzzed again, intruding her thoughts.

“I know you are there, Kim. You are always on your damn phone.”

As much as she was annoyed my Bruce’s urgency and impatience, she understood his concern. Things had been very weird between her mother and Bruce. What was she going to tell him? And why hadn’t her mother come home? How could she be so stupid! After all, Bruce and Kris had finally managed to publicly settle the whole problem with Kris seeing her ex-boyfriend a few times. Kris even went on The Talk to confirm that their marriage was still strong and everything was good and now, here she was staying out all night! Was she with her ex-boyfriend? Had they been stupid enough to go out in public? Did the paparazzi see her? Kim thought about checking Google but the idea of seeing a shot of her mother, drunk on champagne in her ex-boyfriend’s arms sent shivers down her spine. Goddamn it. Her mother must have been drunk. The only way she wouldn’t come home would be if she was drunk. Wasted, in fact. The Kardashian girls were never good drinkers. They were lightweights. Was she even awake now? Kim decided to text her mother.

“Bruce says you did not come home. I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t want to lie for you….” She suddenly remember that whole “Big Brother” concept that Kanye had rambled on about while they were smoking hash out of a coconut water can the other night. “I shouldn’t even be texting you this! Mommmmmmm!” Send.

Kim drummed her hand over her stomach nervously. Why was she dealing with this? How did managing her mother’s irresponsible mid-life crisis become her problem? Why was this on her and not Khloe? Kourtney, fine, she had kids but why was this the price she paid for being the favorite? What was she going to do? Besides, she had her own problems! She had a photo shoot fitting in two hours, a bunch date after that, a meeting at 3 PM followed by another meeting and her boyfriend had yet to give her a Goddamn orgasm! Kim threw her phone across the room in a tantrum. The crystalized white iPhone hurled into the French doors and smashed threw a pane of glass.

Kim’s heart sank and then embarrassment set in.

“What was that?” Kanye called out from the shower.

“Oh, um, I accidentally threw my phone into the door,” Kim replied in a singsong voice as she bent over, naked, to remove the glass and find her phone. “I was trying to get it onto the chair and I missed. Just be careful when you get out not to step on any glass, baby.”

“Are you okay, Kim?”

“I’m fine, yes.”

Suddenly, she noticed her phone flashing with a text from her mother.

“I’m in Mexico. I’m sorry, Kimmy. I had to do this. For me. I spent the evening with Todd but I took off about midnight. I’ll deal with Bruce. This is about me as a woman. You’ll understand one day.”

Kim sighed and checked the time. It was 7:20 AM. She had to get ready.

When Kanye finally emerged from the bathroom he gave Kim a hug and a kiss. His cheek touched her cheek as he rocked her body back and forth in a long embrace.

“That was great this morning, baby? Did you get off good?”

She nodded and purred out a “yes." Sometimes you lie to not upset the ones you love, she told herself.

@myszkaway