A Hey Ron! Birthday
Today is my birthday. I was hoping Vice would schedule the Christmas party on my birthday like they have for the past four or five years. This year the party is Monday, and it has nothing to do with my birthday. That sucks big time.
Instead of celebrating at the office Christmas party, I’m going to hang out with some of my coworkers tonight at a going-away party for someone who is leaving (I won’t mention her name). I’ll figure out a way to somehow squeeze in my birthday and make people buy me drinks.
If you’re going to be there, I’m mostly a Grand Marnier type of guy. I’m an older gentleman so I don’t do the girly drinks with the umbrellas and the salt around the glass. Maybe I’ll do some shots, but that’s it.
As a birthday present, I would like two chicks sitting on each lap [yes, “each lap”—ed.], peeling grapes for me because that takes real care and time. After that it becomes an X-rated show, so therefore I can’t talk about it. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense to you. It’s my birthday, and that’s what I want!
Another birthday wish I have is for my daughter to get a job, because that will be a great gift . She just texted me saying, “I’m going for an interview today and I hope I get the job so I can stay out of your pockets.” I thought I was finished paying child support, but apparently it continues as long as your kid doesn’t have a job.
I know that we have another birthday in the Vice office today: John Martin, our publisher. I really like John, even though the back of his neck is really, really red. He lets me call him “cracker,” “redneck,” and other racial slurs. The funny thing is he isn’t really a redneck—he just looks like one. He’s got long hair and a thick beard like Grizzly Adams. He looks like the type of dude who has a Confederate flag in his apartment. But once you get to meet him and talk to him, you’ll find out that John is a really cool guy.
For his birthday, I was thinking about getting him a real woman—a black woman. You know, someone who can really shake things up and help him clear his mind because John looks a little tense sometimes. I figure I’ll hook him up with a pole dancer or something like that.
My birthday wishes are that I can continue to wake up at attention, that as a single person I can still handle two or three girls in one day, that I am able to play Black Ops for at least five hours a day, and that I am able to continue waking up healthy, wealthy, and wise.
As always, if you have a problem you need our man Ron to solve, send it here.
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