A Hey Ron! Thanksgiving
For the first time in 11 years I’m going to spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family, which means they are my relatives by blood, not marriage. There’s going to be a learning curve because they are straight-up boys from the hood: 40s, smoking blunts, South Bronx. The higher they get, the drunker they get, the better the food tastes. It’s going be a pretty funny thing to spend time with them this year. It's like I’m going backward in time. But they are my family, and even though they’re literally crazy, I’m going to spend time with them. Anyway, I thought I’d use this week’s column to reflect on what I’m thankful for. I suggest you do the same.
- I’m thankful I still have a job, which helped me buy this beer I’m drinking. I’m thankful for the beer I’m swallowing down at two o’clock in the afternoon on a workday. Who can do that? Me, that’s who. I am also grateful that I work with some very nice people—granted, 99 percent of them are white, but they are cool white people, I like them... for the most part.
- I am sitting here watching a guy in the office pick his nose. I find that to be very disgusting, so I would like give thanks for those who have the courtesy to not pick their noses in public.
- I’m thankful for the houses I've been to for Thanksgiving in the past, because they’ve shown me what not to eat. If blood comes out when you cut it, it isn’t going taste good. No matter what the cook says. The worst Thanksgiving food I ever had was at this Pakistani guy’s house. It was like garbanzo beans or whatever, and it was horrible. It was cold and soggy. They didn’t have turkey, and the chicken tasted like wood. I was in Jersey, but the family is from like Pakistan. I also once had a Polish meal on Thanksgiving that was horrible.
- I am thankful for the nice massage chair I just bought from PC Richard & Sons. They got some great deals, which inspired me to also buy a 60-inch flatscreen. Most men get one of these when they depart from their other halves. Men get TVs, women get cats. The massage this chair gives you—it's… I can't even put words to it. The next step is for someone to give me a facial while I’m getting a massage along with some other, uh, lovely activities. I’m going to put a sign on it that says, “This is not for you, ’cause you're not sitting in my chair.” Unless I’m on it and you’re on me, it ain’t happening. It’s my chair, OK?
- I’m thankful that I just moved and am now only 20 minutes from work. Even though I still leave on time and I don’t stay late.
- I’m happy for Call of Duty: Black Ops. It’s a great game that I get to play with my family.
- I’m thankful for the good weather we’ve been blessed with recently.
- I’m thankful for my health.
Here is a special Thanksgiving greeting that Ron recorded and we added sleighbells to. Please feel free to forward it to parents, grandparents, exes, coworkers--anyone in need of a little holiday cheer.