A Roofer Discovered a Mummified Body in a Foreclosed House

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Death's scary. I understand that, but when you break death down, it's the most normal event in the world. It's the only thing we all have in common. (If you're ever stuck at a bar in a deeply conservative corner of America and need something to discuss with a scary conservative bartender, bring up death.) Death itself isn't scary—what's scary is that death signifies how quickly our accomplishments and occasional acts of kindness will be wiped off the earth. Being forgotten is the true horror, which is why nothing scares me more than stories like this one about a roofer discovering a mummified woman, who had been dead for at least five years, in her foreclosed house. Her bills had been paid after she died, and nobody noticed she had died until the bills stopped being paid and the bank sent a roofer to fix a hole in her roof. In other words, nobody cares when we die.

Still from America trailer

Have you been sitting on the edge of your toilet seat waiting for filmmaker and alleged campaign-finance lawbreaker Dinesh D'souza to direct his follow-up to 2016: Obama's America? Well, you can sit back and relax, because he's made another movie. This one is called America, because why the hell not? It will show an alternate reality where George Washington was killed in battle and America lost the Revolutionary War. From the looks of the trailer, it seems like most of the changes will take place at our country's national parks, where the monuments will turn to rubble, presumably forcing our rangers to spend their days sweeping like mad men. Also, Joseph Stalin will probably rule the world with communism, behind an impenetrable wall of forced abortions, and breed with a time-traveling Hillary Clinton to produce Barack Obama, because Dinesh loves facts.

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

I'm not going to climb on my virtual soapbox and rant about how science is terrible. It's not. It's awesome, and it allows me to reheat leftover pizza and read theories about what the fuck happened on True Detective from pretty much anywhere in the world. But—and this is a but big enough to make Sir Mix-A-Lot consider sitting this one out—every now and then scientists do a tad too much digging for my liking, like when they revived the largest virus ever discovered, which they found in a 30,000-year-old piece of ice. Sure, folks behind the discovery are touting the virus's uniqueness as opposed to its fear quotient, but I certainly wouldn't mind if we left a giant undiscovered virus alone.

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