A Vandal Has Been Trimming Dick Sculptures Out of Bushes

A vandal has been invading the Windsor Sculpture Park in Ontario, Canada, creating dicks out of bushes. Since October, there have been three incidents of bushes being transformed into leafy penises—completely ruining the artistic integrity of a sculpture park, which until now you might not have known was a thing—or is that just me?

The expert bush trimmer has not yet been identified, but their latest move was literally just spelling the word "penis" out of garland. Either this person is getting lazy or this is some sort of transitional period for the artist. Like Picasso’s “Blue Period”, but maybe more like the “Blue Ball Period”.

John Miceli, Windsor's director of parks and facilities, responded rather positively to the stunt. “The sculpture garden is getting all kinds of attention, and the bushes in the sculpture garden are getting all kinds of attention. It's a good thing. Hopefully people will visit our sculpture garden more often and take a look for yourself."

Miceli even (sort of) offered the vandal a job if he or she reveals themselves. In an interview with the National Post he said, “Well, it’s unfortunate that they don’t use their talents with our Adopt a Park program. We could really use their skills, because they’re very, very good, whoever’s doing it, at being able to, uh, shape things.” He later added, “give me a call, come see me and we’ll see if we can use your skill set.”

He went on to say that he doesn’t want to press charges once the culprit is found.  At first I was amazed that a guy in charge of a park being made the butt (well, more like dick) of a joke could be so pleasant and forgiving about all this. Then I remembered that this is Canadians we’re dealing with—the nicest people in the world. Think of the kindest person you know, and chances are they’re Canadian. If not, well they’ve probably been to Canada or at least seriously thought about it. I’m pretty sure their national anthem has a verse that reads: “Sorry so sorry. Are you feeling okay? Can I get you anything? Are you sure? Okay, sorry.”

Of course, if you take a joke too far even a Canadian will get mad about it. Spelling out the word “penis” instead of just making a bush look like one, that was too far. John Miceli has officially had enough. In a video interview with CBC News, he released his wound up rage, making it painstakingly clear that this criminal needs to back off or else: “It's language we really don't want to see on the riverfront. Unfortunately some people are taking it to a whole other level. We just want to deter people from doing that kind of stuff." If you’re not shaking in your boots right now, you must be the Hulk or something, because that's sounds serious.

Now, what I’m confused about is, why does there seem to be no security cameras in place? Your average convenience store has enough cameras to simultaneously catch someone stealing a candy bar, while someone else is pouring their head under the slushee machine glugging as much as they can get away with, and in the parking lot teenagers are about to get a stern warning from cops as cameras catch them begging adults to buy them beer. But a park with precious art installations ripe for vandalism and theft doesn’t have any? You’d think they’d at least have some footage of the crime being committed even if it’s just a shadowy figure. If not the first time, at least bring some in afterwards in case this sort of thing happens again, which totally did happen again, and again after that.

Unlike Banksy, this street artist is not making their next target a mystery. We know exactly where he or she will be doing this, and know that there is definitely ways to catch this person. If security cameras are a no-go, how about security guards? Guard dogs? Mounties? Maybe some sensor lights that go off when one walks by them? An airhorn?

At this point, the Windsor Sculpture Park team has no one to blame for this but themselves. I recommend we all sit back, and wait for the dickophile’s next move. I for one am excited to see what the talented trimmer will do next.

@JustAboutGlad