ACTUALLY HUIZENGA - WET LOOK VS. HARD PLACE

Actually Huizenga, or, ACTUALLY HUIZENGA, is our favorite musician/filmmaker/nymphomaniac ever right now. Her music, in case you're unfamiliar, is of the catchy, dance-y, futuristic variety, and is peppered heavily with boner-inducing lyrics. We first heard about her back in April when she was premiering her film Write a Book About It in LA, and since then she's been living the life of a nomadic musician while recording her new album, Wet Look vs. Hard Place. She's the type of person who has about nine artistic endeavors floating around at any given time, which makes it difficult to pin her down for an interview. We finally tracked her down in LA two weeks before she hops on a jet to bang out some people on film in Greece.

Vice: We wrote about your movie premier earlier this year. We still think you're the coolest girl in the world and would like to own up on our offer to make you a huge star. Won't you please tell us more about yourself?
Actually: Thank you! First, I'd like to say that I am a very thankful person. Second, the only thing people really want to know they don't really need to know… the fact that I am almost 63 years old. But I still sound like a nubile boy. Ancient times are coming back, and I'm still into old fashioned sodomy and alcoholism and the cultural root systems that branch out from those pastimes. I enjoy grandiose things like expensive accommodations all over the world with bars and stools and drinks pre-cooled on ice and food items delivered to me! Service! Gratitude! Art! Music!

When I strike it rich I am going to make sweeping movements with my arm over flower stalls on the streets and send them to fill the floors of my lavish hotel rooms.

I travel in style and pride myself in my good choice of young men to have sex with. I appreciate a tall, lean, sinewy form, on the feminine side facially, but still strong and masculine. Wrestling and tearing off clothing items is great! And slapping! I would say that I have great times out and about while still managing to keep my workload heavy enough to slim me down. All in all, I very much admire myself for keeping work and fun in a harmonious balance. People who share this charm are people I admire and love.

You have a record coming out, right?
Yes! The record just came out digitally all over the world. It's called Wet Look vs. Hard Place. The name comes from two bands I was in over the last five years. Some of the songs are also from my movie, Write a Book About It, which will be out soon. I only made 150 copies, and they'll only be available on the Winter Palace Records website starting October 15.

How long did it take to make Write a Book About It?
I started that movie one year and a couple of months ago. During that time I met many of my greatest friends and actors--most importantly the Mae West Society, which consists of Abdi Taslimi, Jacinto Astiazaran, and Ryan L.

How and when did you start making videos?
I use Final Cut Pro. Speaking of which, I'm editing a video right now and it keeps crashing! I need the new Studio Pro version, Final Cut 7… I'm still using Final Cut 5! Can you believe it? I also just started working in HD.

I started making videos after Bette Davis went on Broadway. I eat lobster on her grave at Forest Lawn. She is so great. Mae West is also a big inspiration. Oh, and so is Dario Argento. Wait… you said when, not who. Don't you think that Susan Sarandon should be more like Bette Davis? I really think she could. I think Hollywood needs to start giving older actresses better and sexier parts again… I thought we were living in the future. I want to be like Bette Davis in the future. Turning my head and giving that look… you know? Oh god, I get the shivers just thinking about it.

You did all of the music for Write a Book About It as well, right?
Yes, but Hard Place (Freddy Cristy, Thomas Marzella, Elisha Drons) helped out for about three songs. And Chaz Windus is in Wet Look with me. Most of the songs are from Wet Look. There is some music in there that isn't mine, like slowed down Native American and trance and stuff, but that's the background--I mixed that with random synth lines I managed to stamp in there with my crappy Roland Juno. My keyboard is from Guitar Center and not cool or antique. I do not own any cool technology. I have decided to let go of many material things because I am now constantly moving and I no longer live in any one place.

I know you must dread talking about piano lessons and where you went to art school, but I'll ask anyway. You have a real knack for music. Tell us where that knack came from.
That is a cute question. I took piano lessons when I was a child from a very nice Scientologist named Betsy. She wasn't scary or weird even though she practiced the sin of Scientology, which I think is a really interesting fact (the fact that I am so accepting of people and their belief systems). I hated waking up at 9am every Saturday morning, but I did it. This was in the time of Xena: Warrior Princess. I did not have many friends--my Saturdays consisted of piano lessons in the morning and watching Xena at night. I could have slacked, but for some reason I practiced, maybe it was because of Xena. Betsy even let me play the theme song for a recital once! It was great! That is a very good theme song and Lucy Lawless actually sings on that I will have you know. She is a very talented woman. The show is not just about lesbianism. It is a show about female power in a male powered world of myth and action-packed adventure.

I was never very good at reading music though. I read music at a lower school level still. I read it very slowly and then I start to drool. So it is very embarrassing and I prefer to write music down in letter form, not note form. It saves time and is easier--so what?

Hmm… school. After the war I went to The School Of the Art Institute of Chicago for painting, but ended up really getting into "4D" performance and sound. I also went to Pasadena Art Center College of Design for what was apparently "fine arts."

You're a multi-media machine. Film, art, music, writing, acting, editing, looking fierce--you're insanely prolific. What is a typical day in your life like?
Unless I wake up naked next to some stud I usually wake up feeling a little bit sick and maybe nervous about completing the list of things I have to do. There are really so many things to do. I can't wait to get a manager. I think I'm going to go and get one right now. I hope he likes old movies.

Sometimes I go out and drink. There are some people that I reallllly like to hang out with. I feel so happy, like I almost want to cry from happiness knowing how great some of my friends are and thinking about all the good times that have and will happen between us. Fun is so great.

You are living in London now. How has that been for you?
I actually don't live anywhere. I don't have an apartment at the moment. I was in London for four months though.

London customs hates me. I have so many black marks in my passport. At the moment I am in LA. In two weeks I will be in Greece to have sex and film it, and then I will be back in London in October. Then, well, I really just want to go on tour. I want to go on tour so much. That is where I want to live.

How much do you love LA and what's on the horizon for you when you get back?
I love LA, but I was born and raised here. I started my musicality and everything here, I milked it so hardcore that I think it's time for me to move on out. I will always float back once and a while though. LA is a mystical, mysterious place, and the history, though relatively young, is so rich and strange and beautiful.

Is there anyone you would give your left tit to get to collaborate with?
Well, I don't know if he'd want my tit, but I guess I'd have to say George Michael.

OK, now describe Actually Huizenga in five words.
Write a book about it.

One more question, how did you get to be so rad?
Long distance running, bondage, pretty boys, Sphynx cats, opals, sex, east LA, 70s to early 90s Playboys, David Bowie (when I was 14, I had my first masturbation session to Labyrinth), masturbation, Mae West, endless hours of Turner Classic movies, staying out of the sun.

Actually Huizenga - "Hush"

CODY CRITCHELOW