'Tatler''s In-House Dachshund Was Murdered by a Door Yesterday
It is with a heavy heart that I share with you reports that Alan—Tatler’s in-house dachshund, and a favorite with London’s society high-rollers—was killed in the revolving doors of Vogue House early yesterday morning.
Regular guests to the office, including superstars Liam Payne, Count Nikolai Von Bismarck, and the Queen, are reportedly devastated after hearing of the accident. The Delevingnes—with whom Alan is rumored to have vacationed last year—are also said to be distraught about the death of the poor pooch, who enjoyed nothing more than a low-cal snack, a rub under the chin, and a quiet piss in the fashion cupboard.
After his quick daily stroll through Mayfair, Alan was entering the iconic doors with his minder—an intern (more on this later)—when he became trapped, and ultimately perished, on the very cusp of a building which has created and destroyed innumerable fashion and journalism stars. But Alan was, of course, the brightest star of them all.
Exactly why he had been placed in the care of an intern still remains to be seen, but it seems certain that a full investigation will be launched into his death, with Tatler favorites Samantha Cameron and Sienna Miller already promising to draw on their London Met connections.
Sources tell me that a don't-take-dogs-in-revolving-doors awareness campaign fronted by Chelsy Davies and Hugh Laurie is also in the pipeline, aiming to alert metropolitan dogs and their owners to the perils of unconventionally rotating entrances.
There will also, of course, be a black-tie fundraising ball held in sad memoriam.
In the wake of this disaster, there is little we can do but mourn the tragic passing of a creature with more nobility in his little toe than, you could argue, could be ascribed to the rest of the building. Though it is difficult to react rationally to this news, it would seem remiss to blame the intern for what appears to have been a horrible accident.
Our hearts go out to those affected, but mostly to Alan, an adorable little dog who had no fucking idea what he was getting himself into.
RIP IN PEACE LITTLE FRIEND xoxo
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