All I Want for Christmas
Dec 24 2012
Truth be told, I want absolutely nothing for Christmas. I'd actually like to get rid of some crap in my life Vs. acquiring more stuff, but for the sake of this column I came up with a list of things I'd like for Christmas. Or for the holidays. Or whatever they're calling it these days.
My Two Front Teeth
I'm not actually missing my two front teeth, but the ones I have are kind of coffee stained and have visible calcium deposits. I'd like them replaced with brilliant white teeth like the kind Tom Cruise wears. I'd also like to get two implants drilled into my jaws to fill the gaps where I'm missing two teeth further back in my head. My current dental coverage doesn't cover implants so unless I get some Christmas teeth I'm probably going to have to get bridges and have some good teeth filed down to support the crowns that go with the bridges. What the hell are we talking about anyway? Oh yeah, Christmas stuff.
Imagine being an almost 40-year-old shirtless dad at the local swimming pool. Got that image in your head? OK, now imagine yourself with bird wings tattooed on your back. Barf. Seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Bones Brigade Documentary
I could watch it every day and cry. Which would be kind of awesome, because right now I have to come up with excuses for why I'm always crying. Damn allergies.
A Mini Ramp in My Neighbor's Backyard
I already have a mini ramp in my backyard and, to be honest, it kinda sucks. It's cool to have a built-in skatespot at your house, but it's not fun having teenagers drop by unannounced, drinking their underage beers and throwing cigarette butts all over your yard… especially when they skate better than you do. Insult to injury. Shake your Junt elsewhere, young Sirs!
A New Windshield for My 2002 Jetta Wagon
The current windshield is brutally cracked. I've been told that all I need to do is call my insurance company and file a claim to have it replaced, but that's sooooo much more work than just complaining about it. Santa? Help?
My 360 Flip
When I was younger I used to have a 360 flip and I loved it dearly. It wasn't the prettiest thing in the world, but it had a lot of heart. It went ghost about ten years ago and I've been barely searching for it ever since. I caught a brief glimpse of it a few months ago and it was even homelier than I remembered, but I'd still like it back. I miss you, Boo.
Beer to be Less Delicious
I often wake up in the morning with a headache that I can easily attribute to the delicious nature of beer. I'm pretty sure that if they would stop making beer so delicious, I wouldn't wake up with so many headaches. So… yeah, stop making beer taste so delicious you jerks!
A Moment of Silence
I won't pretend to know the intricacies behind the United States of America's gun ownership laws, but for Christmas I'm asking that when a bunch of kindergarten children get murdered by guns could all of you gun nuts please, please, please, shut the hell up for one whole day and stop talking about your right to bear arms and just be quiet and mourn the deaths of the children that died? You guys suck.
Welp, that's all I want for Christmas. What do y'all want?
Previously - Remember Zulu's?
I Attended a Juggalo Wedding at the Gathering of the Juggalos
I Hunted Feral Hogs in Florida as a Favor to the World
My Week with Sydney
Reasons Why Comic-Con Is the Worst Place Ever
An Interview with a Guy Who Can't Sleep Because He Is Afraid of Dying
A Rigged Indian Casino Karaoke Contest Was the Low Point of My Life
The Jim Norton Show: Mike Tyson and Dana White - Part 2
Should We Look at and Share Photos of Dead Civilians in Gaza?
A Few Impressions: Watch James Franco's Short Film, 'The Clerk's Tale,' Based on a Poem by Spencer Reece
One of Our Writers Went on an All-Alcohol Diet for a Week