Kim Jong-Un Reads VICE!
Jun 13 2012
Late last year, I went to the North Korean Disneyland. It was great! I mean, I have to be honest, their rollercoaster did need a wash. And the vibe was a little bizarre, totally unlike Six Flags. I mean, maybe you think I was being an imperialist jerk, transposing my Western values of health and safety onto a different world, but...
...they were literally hammering a rollercoaster into place when I got there. Then they sent a bunch of coerced Korean farmers around on it first to make sure it was safe before letting the white devils like me on-board. Thoughtful perhaps, but still quite bloodthirsty and evil.
Anyway, not long after I called North Korea out on its theme park of doom, Big Kim Jong-Il slipped off to trip the light fantastic with Gaddafi and the rest of those guys—possibly due to rollercoaster-related shame. This has left fatty Lil' Kim to steer the country down the path of Righteous Glorious Independence of the Korean Spirit, or whatever they're calling it now. And, in my book, he's doing one hell of a job. He's sent failed rockets to the Sun, commissioned a quite good A-Ha mash-up, and now he's taken my article to heart and turned his eye to theme park maintenance.
Esteemed North Korean academic Marcus Noland recently got in touch and pointed out that not only had Kim Jong-Un read my plea for an amusement park overhaul, he'd actually taken some time out to get down to Mangyongdae and tell everyone to pull their fucking socks up!
So there he is, the new leader of All Things Evil, at the same park I visited, in front of the same rollercoaster I nearly died on, walking around furiously and shaking his fat wrist at all the stuff he's totally fed up with. According to an official report from KCNA, North Korea's news agency, Kim didn't like it at all. He took one look at all the wretched park-workers and decided they weren't grateful enough for the fact they weren't chipping rocks in a gulag on the Siberian border. He told them that they had a "below-zero spirit of serving the people." Then he called them all "pathetic."
Was the fabulous Kim Jong-un out of order to humiliate his proud rollercoaster and teacup staff? Decide for yourselves by reading my blog: "Hoping No One Dies at the North Korean Fun Fair!"
Follow Alex on Twitter: @alex_hoban
More Korean Adventures:
Weediquette: The Cannabis Republic of Uruguay - Part 1
London Is Turning into a Depressing and Dumb Stock Image City
Here Be Dragons: Sorry, Everyone, Making Fuel Out of Seawater Isn't Gonna Save Humanity
Seven Important Truths About How the World Takes Drugs in 2014
Our E-Cigarettes Are Going to Melt Our Faces and Burn Our Houses Down
Owning Porno Used to Mean Something, Damnit
Photos of the Bathrooms and Kitchens of America's Bachelors
Stop Panicking About Getting Older, You Pricks
How Airbnb Makes Tax Day So Much Worse
Advice for the Twitter Professional at US Airways Who Tweeted Hardcore Porn