Animal Penises Are Super Weird, You Guys
Jun 6 2013
One of the great things about nature is that everything in it—dogs, flowers, snakes, whales, ants, jellyfish, crabs, toucans, everything—is either eating or trying to fuck at all times. Of the uncountable billions of organisms populating our planet, millions and millions of them are getting it on at this very second. P's are going into V's, eggs are being fertilized, the circle of life continues.
You probably didn’t learn very much about the sex lives of animals in school because your poor science teachers had enough to worry about without saying the words “elephant cock” in front of a room of teenagers. But animal sex and the evolved features of animal sex organs are often wonderful things, and there’s no reason that today’s young people shouldn’t learn about the tiny—and sometimes startlingly large—wonders that are animal penises.
So we got some of our contributors together and wrote about animal dicks. If you are excited to learn more about animal sex, we encourage you to watch Isabella Rossellini’s Green Porno series. Or just go to the park and see if you can catch squirrels fucking.
Photo via Flickr user jimg944
Did you emerge from the head of your father’s dick as a fully formed baby? Congratulations, you’re probably a sea horse. Sea-horse females impregnate males during one-night stands and leave them to foster their young without so much as paying child support, like a Beyoncé song in reverse.
Courtship begins when the female and male start scraping their tails along the sea floor. (Hot!) The male has his head tucked into his chest the entire time because he’s a little pussy bitch. The female circles around him, forcing him to pay attention to her colors. Then she grabs him with her tail and penetrates him. (Yesssss…) They swim face to face, locked together, as she excretes up to 600 eggs into his brood pouch. Then she fucks off forever.
After just a few weeks, the male undergoes contractions and finally blasts a bunch of miniature sea horses out of his little sea-horse dick.
Photo via Flickr user Reilly
The echidna is an endangered egg-laying mammal native to Australia and New Guinea. If you’ve ever heard of it, it was probably in the context of Knuckles the Echidna, the red guy from Sonic the Hedgehog that almost no one remembers. It’s nicknamed the spiny anteater, but people should call it the alien penis creature because look at this thing, it’s got four freaking heads on its shaft. Echidnas' dick heads are called rosettes, and all four can ejaculate. But if you're picturing these spiky beasts shooting four streams of cum as if their dicks were those sprinklers that kids play in, get that image out of your brain—it’s actually more like a gun, according to National Geographic:
The reason why the echidna’s penis has four heads is still up for grabs. The female echidna has two love canals and Stewart [Nicol, echidna sex specialist] believes that the penis works like a double double-barrelled shotgun, firing out of the two heads on one side, and then again quite quickly on the other.
OK, but how does it pee? Does it just spray everywhere? Actually, echidnas only use their dicks for fucking. For everything else they have a multipurpose hole called a cloaca. The males poop and pee from their cloacae, and the females also use them for laying eggs, because even though these guys are mammals, they lay eggs like birds or reptiles. Truly, these are marvelous creatures. Here’s a video of a zoologist arousing a male echidna. Do not watch it.
Photo via Wikipedia
Slugs are gross, but the process by which more slugs are made is even grosser. When a slug gets horny, it leaves a trail of special hormone-infused slime to let other slugs know that it's DTF. If another horny slug gets a whiff of the slime—slugs are hermaphrodites and any two of them can reproduce—it will follow it to its source and give the other slug a little bite on the ass to let it know that it also wants to bone. Once they've established that they both wanna bump uglies, they set off together to find an overhang (like the underside of a branch, or the bottom of a ledge) where they can do it.
First they cuddle up together in a little circle and start to spoon. After about an hour of this (boooooring), they produce a special rope made of mucus, which, still entwined, they slide down.
And that's when their dicks come out. They're blue, semitransparent, and emerge from tiny little holes in the back of their heads. Their penises coil together, then fan out to make the weird blue, flower-orb thing you can see in the above photo.
And then they hang there, pumping semen back and forth, until both slugs are fertilized, at which point they drop to the ground.
-Jamie Lee Curtis Taete
Photo via Flickr user Hunter-Desportes
The internet has given cats a wholly undeserved reputation for being cute. Sure, there are plenty of adorable felines out there in the world, but the truth of their sex lives is almost too horrible to think about. The cat penis is the most mutated hellspawn in all of dickdom. Cat sex is painful, and the cat penis is an instrument of torment and rape.
The cat penis is covered in somewhere between 120 and 150 backward-pointing penile spines, which measure around one millimeter long. (You can see some closeups here.) These spines prevent the female cat from escaping the sex act until the male has ejaculated. If she does try to run, the spines will rip the walls of her vagina asunder. This is the reason that when cats fuck it sounds like the female is being tortured—it’s because she is being tortured. The larger the spines are, the more male hormones are present in the cat. I imagine there are parties in feline society where cats measure the barbs on their dicks, though there’s an old saying between cats, “It’s not the size of the cock barb that matters, it’s how badly you maim the vagina.”
Photo via Flickr user Glen Bowman
First of all, all duck sex is all pretty much rape. Female ducks are not happy about getting it on and have evolved twisty vaginas to protect themselves from unwanted semen. This has led to male ducks evolving “elaborate corkscrew-shaped penises, the length of which correlates with the degree of forced copulation males impose on female ducks,” as a scientist who studies duck sex wrote in Slate. The penis also comes out of the duck’s body wayyy fast. This is what an emerging duck erection looks like, slowed down to one-tenth normal speed:
Gross. Aren't you glad you're not a lady animal?
More on dicks:
Things You Learn Designing Porn Banners for a Living
I Went to a Raëlian Cult Protest for Titties
Stress Makes Me Horny
Superstitious People Are Dismembering Albinos in Tanzania
Voss Water Is Bullshit
Bad Cop Blotter: The Police Aren't So Brave When Someone Has a Weapon
It's a Godlis World: Early Photos of Punk Rock After Dark
VICE News: Water War: Dry in Detroit
Tim and Eric Tell Us About Their Greatest Fears
We Asked a War Correspondent About the Origins of ISIS