Ann Coulter Lists Her Favorite "Black Heroes"

Photo by Nate Miller

Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

-You might have heard that George Zimmerman saved a family trapped in an SUV. The family canceled a planned press conference fearing blowback regarding being saved by the newest "Most Hated Man in America." I'm going to ignore that and focus on the happy part of this story. George Zimmerman saving a family from certain death finally proves once and for all that he is not a bad person. We’ve been waiting for proof, and we finally have it! On a related note, I saved the last slice of pizza for my girlfriend last night, so based on my knowledge of the “Good Deeds Reward Scale,” I now have carte blanche to give a minor head wound to a middle-aged Korean man wearing bifocals. 3

-A black family in San Bernardino, California, woke up last Sunday morning to find the cutest little wooden swastika burning in the street near their home. One wonders how a person can procure a wooden swastika these days. Is there an Etsy store that sells items for the DIY bigot? Maybe you have to carve them yourself? If so, that must take weeks of whittling. I’ll say this for those of you out there who are racists, you are all very committed to hating people. Sometimes I can’t even commit to wearing underwear, so you’ve got me there. RACIST

Photo via Death & Taxes Magazine

-If there’s one thing I actually hate, it’s Facebook memes, specifically the text-heavy ones that your friends really need you to “share” because they’re “so important.” A meme going around right now is a testimonial from a dead baby named “Antonio West.” The meme describes Antonio as being murdered by a rabid pack of teens in a “73 percent non-white neighborhood.” Since black people don’t care when white people are killed, President Black Hussein Omammy (a.k.a. the Ebony Devil) did nothing when these teens were not charged with the death penalty. The meme goes on to say [all sic'd]:

“I am one of the youngest murder victims in our great Nation’s history, but the media doesn’t care to cover the story of my tragic demise, President Obama has no children who could possibly look like me—so he doesn’t care and the media doesn’t care because my story is not interesting enough to bring them ratings so they can sell commercial time slots.”

Sounds like this baby just wants his 15 minutes of fame from beyond the grave. What has this country come to when dead babies are trying to get on TV? Now, that’s macabre.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the sentence that actually says, “There is no White Panther party to put a bounty on the lives of those who murdered me.” There is, it’s called the KKK, the Neo-Nazis, or any number of other hate groups, who, as you can tell from the above swastika story, are still around. 9

Photo by Flickr User GageSkidmore

-Noted power bottom Ann Coulter receives this week’s Ann Coulter Award for Excellence in Racism for her article, “Unsung Black People.” These “black heroes” are the people who dare to be happy when a person is killed. Ann has had it up to here with all the black folk sticking up for their race. They should be glad when a black criminal gets shot. Also, she really wants you to buy her book, as you can see below:

“You'll never hear a peep about any of these courageous black people, unless you obsessively research every "race" case of the last 30 years, as I did for my book Mugged: Racial Demagoguery from the Seventies to Obama. (All these black heroes appear in my book.) “

Black heroes mentioned in Ann's book include:

• Blade, the vampire hunter
• Ernie Hudson from Ghostbusters
• Fat Albert
• The guy who saved the women in Cleveland who loves McDonald's
• Darryl Strawberry
• Shaft
• Mace Windu
• Idris Elba
• Clarence Clemons from the E-Street Band
• T.I.

If this sounds amazing to you too, then please rush out and purchase Ann Coulter’s sensational new book where she solves race relations in America forever. It’s priced to move… your bowels! RACIST

@YesYoureRacist’s Ten Most Racist Retweets of the Week [all grammar sic'd]:

10. @Walttty717: I'm not a racist, but after being at the social security office I believe all black people know each other #familyreunion

9. @andrew_kuras: There will be a f*cking world war before the government will take our guns away. F*ck you Obama you shit looking ni**er.

8. @Jeremy_Pannoni: Some black people are just allergic to doing work. #notracist

7. @TommyToes: I'm not racist but I'm pretty pissed at the African American race for allowing Tyler Perry's career to happen..

6. @sherlocke2: I'm not a "racist" but of course I will laugh at a funny-looking asian.

5. @themanabraham: If you don't hate Michael after watching Lost you're black. Damn ni**ers whoops not racist, but I do dislike the blacks

4. @getreil1991: I can't listen to JIGABOO music all the time #notracist

3. @patriot4USA: back during segregation a lot people were true racists Whites aren't like that now.

2. @codylashen: My grandma just called Obama a ni**er. #TooFunny

1. @JewishJaguar: you don't see a lot of native americans in high school why are they lazy? not racist but why don't they attend education?

Last Week in Racism: George Zimmerman Isn't White

@dave_schilling