Are You a Heterosexual Male Diva?

By Donald Crunk

Putting things into little boxes is the best way for humans to deal with other humans. The universe is confusing enough as it is—animals are confusing, the weather is confusing, space is confusing—so being able to label somebody as a black nu-Christian hipster, a preppy proto-estate agent, or a chubby Chinese goth makes everything a little easier.

I saw the term HMD floating around Twitter the other day and this time it didn't mean "hold my dick," it meant "heterosexual male diva." Let me explain: HMDs are basically straight men who care about stuff that guy-guys don't give a shit about. The difference between a metrosexual and an HMD is that metrosexuals don't exist any more because they all came out. So if you still think you're straight, there are a few ways to work out if you're in denial or an HMD.

YOU HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING YOU

The worst thing about interacting with other people is that they all carry germs. Meeting someone new means you'll probably have to shake their hand at some point, which sounds simple on paper, but it's a pretty scary thought for any self-respecting HMD. You probably didn't know this, but the human hand contains about 38,000 invisible-to-the-eye germa-zoids. In the eyes of an HMD, nobody washes their hands after they go to the crapper and everyone uses their middle finger to play with their pet dog's asshole. You'd think that giving someone a "fish" on both cheeks (that's HMD talk for a fashion kiss), would be way worse, but weirdly, HMDs are totally cool with that.

YOU CARE ABOUT FASHION

Depending on the lifestyle you lead, you might find it hard to believe that the average guy doesn't give a shit about what he wears. Even among young, attractive people. A regular dude is fine as long as he has a fresh pair of trainers, a watch that goes tick fucking tock, and a semi-decent haircut. HMDs are the complete opposite. They trail the internet looking for ways to trump their HMD peers with the latest hype item; or they're on eBay on their phone spending £100 on a beat up pair of Vans because they're made in the USA. Yep, worryingly HMDs can even be disguised as skaters. So, if you're thinking about how you can afford that brimless Givenchy hat you just saw on LN-CC so you can wear it to your friend's installation opening in six weeks time, then you've obviously caught the HMD bug.

YOU TELL GIRLS WHAT TO WEAR

HMDs are very fussy about what their female friends wear. Their female entourages are a reflection of themselves, so it's important that they look like a fleet of post-makeover ANTM contestants, or a gaggle of sexy chola-girls, or TLC on the "Baby-Baby-Baby" cover. Take a glance at one of these guys' Tumblrs; in-between all the pictures of Kanye West and A$AP Rocky, you'll see pages and pages of girls' nails and close-ups of high heels and fringe haircuts. HMDs love little details like that.

YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH 'PARIS IS BURNING'

Guy guys have Scarface, a story of greed and violence; girls have Pretty Woman, all empowerment and a very happy ending; and HMDs have this. It's glamorous, confident, heartfelt, and sexy. And it has the word "shade" in it. HMDs say "shade" a lot. If you don't know what shade is, then find out, before you go out in the street and someone starts throwing it at you.

YOU LOVE TRASHY 'RATCHET' WOMEN

HMDs idolize loud ladies with large, occasionally colorful hair, who appear in trashy reality TV shows and have club-brawl mugshots floating around the internet. Ratchet rules the roost. These women are so arrogant, their confidence reaches through the TV and grabs you by the throat. Ratchet girls are the fun, loose cannon party girl that every HMD wants in their entourage. They look like strippers; life-sized walking, talking ghetto-chic accessories. Blac Chyna, who's currently dating some guy from Cash Money, and Joseline Hernandez, who stars in a show about the love lives of washed up rappers, are two current favorites.

YOU'RE NOT GAY

Despite all that stuff above, HMDs are not into having dicks in their butt. They're just a new breed of male, obsessed with nice clothes, confident ghetto girls, and documentaries about the 80s gay/transgender ball scene. It's no big deal. Or what, you wanna make it one? In those jeans?! Bitch, please.

Donald Crunk's Tumblr is here.

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