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Are You a Slut?

By Brian Moylan

How many nights have you lain awake in some stranger’s bed while he (or she) dreams next to you? How many times have you stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling and thought, Wow, am I a slut? Do people think I’m a slut? How do I know if I’m a slut?  Well, I’ll help you out right now: Answer the 10 questions below, add up the points that you get based on your answers, and check at the very bottom to see whether you’re a slut. This quiz is designed to be taken by any and all genders and sexual orientations, so don’t worry about your result being skewed by your having or not having a penis or vagina. It’s also 100 percent nonjudgmental—I’m not saying it’s bad to be a slut or to have sex with every person-shaped thing you see. I’m merely trying to find out if you are/do.

Don’t worry, Cosmo won’t mind if you cheat on them with our quiz. I promise.

1.) Have you ever cheated?

A. “Yes, but I’m not proud of it.”
B. “I’m not a relationship kind of person.”
C. “Never! I’m a one penis/vagina type person.”
D. “It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught.”

2.) What is the last thing you used a bar restroom for?

A. Oral sex.
B. Peeing.
C. Full-blown intercourse.
D. Snorting lines.

3.) What is your typical first-date behavior?

A. Ditching the date to go have sex with someone else.
B. Trying valiantly to get laid and inevitably failing.
C. Refusing to put out because some stupid magazine article/your mother told you that you have to wait at least five dates or 30 days, whichever takes longer.
D. Drinking until you end up fucking on a park bench.

4.) You have:

A. Given or received “the shocker.”
B. Attended a sex party.
C. Made out with a member of the gender you usually don’t like that way. (Bi- and pan-sexuals can skip this one.)
D. Attended a bottle-service club where waitresses bring out the bottles while holding sparklers.

5.) What happens while waiting at the clinic for the results of your HIV test?

A. You rub your face over and over and try not to cry in public.
B. You mentally go through every person you’ve ever had sex with and try to figure out who gave you AIDS.
C. You consider what life is going to be like once you are HIV-positive.
D. You think you’re going to puke so you wonder where the nearest restroom is and think about how many people have thrown up in it.

6. At what stage is a sexual partner allowed to play with your butthole?

A. As soon as the two of you meet and there is chemistry.
B. After some sort of gift, trip, or milestone (like getting engaged).
C. Once the two of you have been dating for several months and have talked about whether you want to explore the final frontier.
D. Never.

7. Which of these movies did you like the most?

A. (500) Days of Summer
B. Twilight
C. Swingers
D. Anything with Katherine Heigl in it. I love to laugh!

8. Where is your tattoo?

A. Somewhere you can’t see.
B. Above my butt crack.
C. Around my bellybutton.
D. Somewhere normal like my arm, shoulder, chest, or ankle.

9. If a train is leaving Philadelphia at 3:30 PM and a train is leaving New York at 2:45 PM and the first train is going 54 MPH and the other train is going 67 MPH, do you have sex on the train?

A. Yes.
B. No.

10. How many sexual partners have you had?

A. 1-10
B. 10-20
C. 20+
D. I lost count. Hey, you wanna fuck?

Answers:

1.) A. That’s OK, everyone makes mistakes. (2 points)
B. You sleep around, but at least you’re up-front about it. (5 points)
C. Prude. (0 points)
D. The only thing worse than sleeping with everyone in town is sleeping with everyone in town on the DL. (10 points)

2.) A. That’s just what happens on a Saturday night. (2 points)
B. Prude. (0 points)
C. Sometimes “Your place or mine?” is just too difficult to answer. (5 points)
D. I assume that at some point that night after you snorted your lousy, nose bleed-inducing drugs, you had some really mediocre sex with someone who you shouldn’t be banging. Good life you’re living. (10 points)

3.) A. Were you setting up that booty call while your date was talking? Again, good life you’re living. (10 points)
B. You must be a straight guy, and straight guys can’t be sluts. (0 points)
C. Prude. (0 points)
D. Hey, if you’re already on a date with someone, why not bang them? (2 points)

4.) A-D. You’re a whore. (10 points for each)

5.) A-D. It happens to all of us. Even virgins. (0 points)

6.) A. You’re probably a gay guy, which means this is just natural. It also means that you have a socially acceptable predilection to indulging in the constant availability of sex. High five! (2 points)
B. I don’t blame you for opening your butthole for business after getting some jewelry, but that does sound vaguely, uh, hookerish. (10 points)
C. This sounds like very healthy behavior, but if you’re even considering the back door, you’re probably a little bit of a freak. (5 points)
D. You’re probably a straight guy, which means, as I said, you can’t be a slut. However if this comes up, then you are probably sleeping with sluts, which makes you a slut by association. (5 points)

7.) A. Oh God, you don’t like sex, you like being in a relationship. You like having another person to torture you and keep your genitals on lockdown and even if you are totally miserable, you won’t get out of it. Have fun listening to ukulele music and breeding, weirdo. (0 points)
B. You want it. You want it bad. You might adore this movie about some girl not doing it with a two-eyed pale potato that she calls her boyfriend and stringing along a lumpy mollusk that turns into a dog. But the reason she doesn’t do it is because she wants it so bad. SO BAD! (10 points)
C. Haha. No one wants to have sex with you. (0 points)
D. Haha. No one wants to have sex with you. (0 points)

8.) A. Why did you get this? So that people you sleep with can admire it. Also the Russian military thinks it means you’re gay. (5 points)
B. The thing about tramp stamps is that tramps don’t really have them. Everyone expects a girl with this unfortunate ink to put out, which usually makes her dry up faster than a snow cone in the desert. (2 points)
C. You are possibly a porn star. If not, then you indiscriminately run around launching your genitals at everything with a pulse. Call your mother. (10 points)
D. Prude. (0 points)

9.) A. Who doesn’t want to have sex on a train? (0 points)
B. Prude. (-10 points)

10.) A. Slut. (10 points)
B. Slut. (10 points)
C. Slut. (10 points)
D. You’re not a slut, you’re just bad at math. (5 points. You get the other 5 after you fuck me.)

Score:

0-25 Points: You’re a slut. What did you expect? You clicked on a quiz about whether or not you’re a slut, probably because you knew you’re a slut and wanted someone to tell you different. Sorry, slut.

25-50 Points: You’re a slut. You already knew that, but you’re a little conflicted about it. You really love to have sex and think there’s nothing wrong with anything you do, but society tells you that being a slut is bad. Well, fuck those judgmental people. I mean, you probably already do, but metaphorically.

50+ Points: You know you’re a slut, right? Yeah, of course you do. And you’re proud of it. You’re the real winner here. Don’t ever forget that.

Previously - Why Are All These Gays Taking Grindr Photos at a Holocaust Museum?

@BrianJMoylan

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