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All Bad News Considered

Authorities Arrested Revenge Porn King Hunter Moore and Justin Bieber on the Same Day

This week, cops arrested Justin Bieber, the feds finally busted revenge porn king Hunter Moore for hacking, a racist Republican announced his vision for Detroit, and Consumer Reports announced that caramel-colored sodas' artificial colors are probably...

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If you're one of those people who like watching revenge flicks—especially the South Korean movies that spend 90 minutes showing the hero getting tormented before he's unleashed to exotically shaped blades—then Thursday was an amazing day for you. In fact, January 23, 2014 was the best day for arrests in the history of the world! Miami Beach cops arrested drunk wannabe drag racer Justin Bieber, the feds busted revenge porn king Hunter Moore for hacking, and federal authorities indicted conservative filmmaker Dinesh D'Souza for campaign finance fraud. Now the world just needs to lock these three in the same cell, turn on a web cam, and drop blunt weaponry on them.

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It's best to simply state the facts of this story. In November 2013, Marlise Muñoz, a 33-year-old pregnant woman, collapsed on her kitchen floor because of a blood clot in her lung. She quickly became brain dead, and then her family and husband told the doctors to cut life support since that was Marlise's request. The doctors refused to follow the family's orders, because Marlise was about 14 weeks pregnant at the time of her collapse, and the state law prohibited the withdrawal or withholding of life-sustaining treatments from a pregnant patient, even if the mother had no chance of recovering and doctors believed the child was unlikely to survive. Because Texas is one of those silly states where abortion nuts control power, the family had to suffer through months of lawsuits and media coverage before finally getting a judge, this week, to basically say, “Yo, this shit's crazy, guys. Let's stop acting like a bunch of assholes. OK?”

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If a person's name starts with a first initial and is followed by his or her middle and last names, that person is a blowhard. G. Gordon Liddy, F. Scott Fitzgerald, J. Edgar Hoover—they're all assholes. This brings us to a new entry in the annals of leading initial dickdom: L. Brooks Patterson, County Executive of Oakland County, Michigan. Good ol' L. decided that an interview with a reporter from The New Yorker was a fantastic time to reveal his Escape from New York-esque vision for the future of Detroit:  “What we’re going to do is turn Detroit into an Indian reservation,” he said, “where we herd all the Indians into the city, build a fence around it, and then throw in the blankets and corn.” What's that question you have? Does L. have a political affiliation? Why, yes, he does. Can you guess it? Here's a hint: It's the racist one.

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On this fine Sunday, you're probably thinking about kicking back on your couch, hammock, or warm toilet seat and cracking open a cold, refreshing bottle of beer, but you can't because of a little incident in August—with a neighbor, stranger, or horse—that ended with a judge ordering you to stay away from alcohol for a bit. Instead, tonight, you're forgetting your beer-soaked dreams and settling for a cold, refreshing can of… soda pop? Yep, you're drinking soda pop, but you might want to rethink that choice, risk jail time, and pick up a brewski instead, because beer might be safer than cola—that's right. According to Consumer Reports, caramel-colored sodas' artificial colors are probably giving us cancer.

@RickPaulas