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Ask Mish

Escort Services and Sushi Dicks

By Mish Way

I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m very good at giving my friends advice about sex, relationships, and general life fuck-ups. I know this, because they’ve told me. I’m the one who endures days of rapid-fire text messages, tear-filled phone calls, and raging freak-outs. I’m the magic fairy who helps the pain, anger, or frustration turn to logic with some tough love, a drink, and, maybe, a hug.

As a result of my amazing emotional intelligence, I’ve started this column where I can answer personal questions about sex, love, and relationships of all kinds on my own terms. I want to help people, beyond my group of pathetic friends in doomed relationships, and extend a hand to all of the other VICE-reading fuck-ups out there.

The questions have already started pouring into the official Ask Mish email address. So, allow me to grab a cigarette and my clipboard, and let’s get to work.

QUESTION 1

Hi Mish,

A friend of mine was considering becoming an escort. Apparently ladies of the night make around $300 an hour. My friend is unemployed, and a friend of hers had a very safe and pleasant experience doing this kind of work in Winnipeg. Her friend made enough money to move to Central America and buy a house. Do the risks outweigh the benefits as an escort working with a legit service? You know, like one with their own dispatch and drivers?

- Curious Escort

 

Dear Curious Escort,

“A friend” of yours is considering becoming an escort? Really? Come on, girl! That’s the oldest trick in the book. It’s me, Mish. No judgments here. I’m giving you a virtual hug of support right now. Anyway, to get back to your question, I have not worked in the sex industry before. I did try to do phone sex, but I was horrible at it and a total chicken. I seriously could not even pick up the phone when I got my first call. I hummed and hawed for days and practiced talking dirty to myself out loud, which led to a deep pit of pathetic despair after I could barely say, “I want you to push your monster cock through my ass cheeks.” I sunk into a sexual depression. So I quit, and then I wrote an article about my experience.

Becoming an escort is a big commitment that has a lot of major risks involved, in addition to the big financial pay offs. As with anything, you should do your research and find a company that's trusted, safe, and has ethics that align with your own. I think there are a lot of women who will say they enjoyed parts of their working lives as escorts, and others who will tell you it is a less than desirable career where bad shit tends to happen. When I volunteered at a rape relief crisis center and women’s shelter, a sex worker called our crisis line saying that her client refused to use a condom. When she tried to leave, he raped her, stole her purse, and left her on the street. This shit fucking happens. My one golden rule would be to make sure you do not keep this career a secret from anyone, so that if anything bad should happen (and you are not protected by your company, pimp, whatever) the people who love you are not kept in the dark.

I also encourage you to do a little self-reflection and exploring. Why do you want to be an escort? Is it purely for the cash rewards? Do you think that you’re someone who can not only be a “date” to a myriad of normal-but-boring businessmen, fugly trolls, and potential creeps, but engage physically with them too? Like, fuck them, suck them, open up your holes for their pleasure? Think about it.

There's a high risk involved in sex work. Sure, we can look at cases like the Long Island Serial Killer and freak out, or we can turn to studies that tell us that most men cannot decipher the difference between the dialogue in a “lad's magazine” and conversations between convicted rapists and medical professionals. So, you know, at the end of the day it’s your body. It’s your mind. It’s your life. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that if you do get that house in Central America, it better be a glass mansion with a pool, an elevator, and talking furniture that tells you that “you are worth it” every day of your life.

Love, Mish

QUESTION 2

Hey Mish,

I have a Japanese friend who can only get erect by wrapping his penis in a thick layer of sticky rice held in place by seaweed. He then dips the tip of his penis in soy sauce and feeds it to his girlfriend (a "Calipornia Roll" is what he calls it) The problem is that he's recently discovered he can no longer sustain an erection unless he smears wasabi all over his testicles. Are there any long-term health consequences? Should I intervene?

- Wasabi Balls

Hey Wasabi Balls,

Even though I am, almost, one million percent sure you are fucking with me here, I’m going to answer this question seriously on the off chance that wasabi balls is, perhaps, trendy right now.

I remember when I lived in the Netherlands, my neighborhood supermarket was behind a very specific Red Light District that specializes in bodacious Latino women. In that district, there was a collage of porn magazines displayed under glass. Every kind of porn was there: squirrel tossing, objects-in-the-ass, feces fetishes, transsexual fantasies… the list goes on. So your whole “Calipornia Roll” thing could very well be a new sushi-fucking-fetish that I’ve yet to screw with and, to be honest, I kind of like the idea of dick sushi. Don’t you agree that everything tastes better with soya sauce?

Also, I have good news! There are no health risks of using wasabi topically, even on your ball sack. In fact, wasabi can be used to improve your health. If you eat fresh, unprocessed wasabi on a daily basis it’s been known to help slow down cancer. Who’s to say that the wasabi on your friends’ balls isn’t fighting some unknown battle against testicular cancer? It’s known for kicking the asses of teeth rot, ulcers, parasites, and heart disease. Wasabi is also a little wonder spice for your skin because it promotes oxygenation of cellular tissues and strengthens the skin’s defense against free radicals (not feminists, but the other kind). It must be a result of all the Isothiocyanates, antioxidants, and calcium, right? Can you tell I copied and pasted that list of active ingredients from another article about wasabi?

So, for your friend, I suggest that he combine his sex fetish with a little homemade skin care and kill two birds with one stone. Here’s a recipe for wasabi massage oil that’s fantastic for the skin and safe for his ball sack. I'd like to think that Martha Stewart invented this recipe because one of her lovers had a similar fetish. This is basically the best news your friend could have received. Feel free to intervene and take your mutual sushi-sex-life to the next level. Merry Christmas, weirdo.

Want to ask Mish your own weird sushi-dick or non-sushi-dick related question? Email her!

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